


Five Words

by NataliaWhite92



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, Depression, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-11-12 02:09:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 36,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18001799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NataliaWhite92/pseuds/NataliaWhite92
Summary: Lena and Kara met when they were children and their lives are forever intertwined.





	1. Anyone

**Author's Note:**

> This work was both difficult and amazingly easy for me to write. When I actually sat down and began it was like the story had been waiting for me to put to it paper. It gets dark so please observe the warnings. This is my first story in the fandom. I hope you enjoy it.

Being on a planet with a yellow sun gave her certain abilities. Everyone knew what she could do because her cousin had come first. Kal-El showed the world that great power could be used not only to save a few but inspire the many. 

But with becoming a symbol of hope always risks becoming the opposite side of the coin as well. Human beings as a species have proved many times over that different will be met with fear. Xenophobia, homophobia, sexism, racism, ableism, classism, the list goes on and on demonstrating the many ways people will create us versus them mentalities. 

And while the origins of such thinking were meant to protect those closest to you in an effort to continue to populate and pass on your genetics, in current times it is just used as a reason to spread hate and foster fear. It is also used as a recruitment tool. 

 

Cadmus is the prime example of what happens when someone organized the fears of a country, or even planet, and converts the unknown into the enemy. But it’s resources that are used to destroy which makes them all the more dangerous. 

But before Cadmus, before Nation City, before Supergirl, there was Kara and there was Lena. There were two girls who grew up together. Before there was a leader of Cadmus who wanted to lock away all the aliens there was a mother who locked away a young girl. Before there were good guys and bad guys there were a million shades of grey for a Kryptonian in love with a Luthor. And while she didn’t teach Kara English she was the one who showed her the complexities of basic words. 

Anyone, Always, Never, Try, and Sorry. 

Events make people who they are and for Kara the events of her childhood, after landing on Earth, were forever intertwined with the Luthors. But not in the way anyone would have imagined having watched her cousin and the Luthor heir battle for years. It was in a way that no one could have prepared for, least of all the two girls who were just trying to figure the world out. 

 

“It bugs you doesn’t it?” turning away from the book she had propped on her knees she brings her attention to Kara. The blonde was sprawled out on the floor looking effortlessly comfortable in a way Lena knew inherently she could never get across with her own body. Except for Kara’s face. She was watching tv while pretending to work on her physics homework. 

To Lena’s eye it looked like there had been almost no progress and she was sure to be in for an afternoon of grumbled complaints from the Kryptonian that once started quickly lead to full on rants. They were rants about the absurdity of learning the  
“principles of physics when more than half the current research was dead wrong and the rest was so outdated it’s relevancy was laughable. And I know I was young on Krypon Lena, but really this is ridiculous. I was destined for the science guild Lena! The Science Guild! We would have laughed at the attempts when we realized they were not the works of a small child but so called educated men on your planet. I mean the only one who seems to have any merit right now is that woman Soderberg at Harvard and don't get me started on gender inequality on your planet! How can this be deemed acceptable?!? Lena we have to do something!...”

Usually by this point Lena had stopped listening but kept one hand comfortingly around the boney ankle of her friend who was likely to start floating in her zeal against the patriarchal standards in society. She also liked the warmth of her skin but that was neither here nor there. 

Eventually Kara would float herself back down onto the floor and a for a few moments the ghosts in her eyes would shine stronger, making her blue eyes brighter and more alive than usual. An irony that never ceased to startle Lena because most of the things that seemed to make Kara look most alive were remnants of a dead planet and society. Lena would watch her face as Kara brought herself back into control and would never be able to adequately recognize the emotions that played across her face. 

She saw the obvious: pain, sadness, and anger, being the most prominent. But when Kara’s eyes would come back to the present and find Lena’s she couldn’t name them anymore. Confusion, pain again, fear maybe. They didn’t make sense in the context so Lena didn’t ask. 

She felt Kara’s hand gently take hold of her own where it had been stroking unconsciously at the prominent ankle bone and they both took a breath. 

This situation had happened many times during their “study” session. Which was altogether a generous use of the word. Lena had taken to accusing Kara, jokingly, that she only ranted because it got her out of whatever problematic work set she was supposed to be finishing, one that Lena had finished either in class or in the first ten minutes of their time together so she could rush back to whatever book she was in the middle of. But they both craved each other’s company so they weren’t likely to change anything anytime soon. 

Today was different though. Kara wasn’t ranting and floating. She wasn’t superspeeding down the stairs of the mansion to the kitchen to get “study snacks.” She wasn’t breaking pencils (Lena had taken away her pens) when an idea was deemed too outlandish to write about anymore. 

Today Kara was staring at the television coverage of Superman fighting some metahuman in Metropolis. Handling the villain with ease, all the while sending reassuring smiles and glances to the amassed crowd below. 

“It bugs you doesn’t it?”

She watched as Kara tried to school her features. 

“What do you mean? He’s doing fine I guess. I mean a little less show boating wouldn’t kill him and really he could have ended this whole thing in about a minute but Kal’s always been a little too attuned to his audience for his own good.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it Kara.”

“I don’t actually.” No longer able to meet Lena’s eyes. 

Lena unfolded herself and placed the book on her reading chair mumbling the page number aloud because she knows when she goes back to it later if she doesn’t remember Kara will after hearing it. 

She walks closer to a still avoiding Kara until she is completely in her space. She can feel the warmth radiating off her body and smell the unique combination of sunlight, outdoors, and her own laundry detergent as Kara has taken to wearing her clothes whenever she came over. 

She grabs hold of one hand and gently squeezes until Kara looks at her. Her eyes aren’t quite shadowed but they look like the beginning of a storm on the ocean, if a lot less wet but still beginning to pool. Her other hand gently reaches forward to smooth out the furrowed brow that is the blonde’s most obvious tell. 

“Crinkle” she whispers as her hand is reticent to leave the smooth warmth of Kara’s skin. She brushes down her face until she is holding her cheek and feels Kara chase the contact before placing her own on top of Lena’s and closing her eyes again. This time it’s not to avoid, Lena knows. They have these moments of closeness often and she feels it in her own soul, the deep breaths, the expansion of lungs fully, the calming of outside fears and worries and trouble. The comfort. The need for just a moment to experience that with someone else. 

 

“We don’t keep secrets.” She says gently to show Kara that she is not trying to shame her into telling her what is actually on her mind but instead giving her the safe space they have spent years creating for each other. 

“I know Lena. I know, but nothing I’m feeling right now is painting me in a very good light.” 

“There is nothing you can say that will change my opinion of you Kara Danvers. You are my hero. More importantly the thoughts we have don’t make up who we are. We can’t help but feel certain ways and it’s not wrong Kara. It’s never wrong to feel certain ways.” 

“I’m not a hero Lena. Just because I have the power to run fast or cool your tea down when you’re too impatient to wait for it doesn’t make me a hero. I have powers but those were given to me, I didn’t earn them. You work to earn the approval of people you have never even met because you don’t want to be like your family. You try so hard all the time when most people would just give up. You are the hero.”

Lena loves her in that moment. It’s not the first time she had this thought but it still overwhelms her. It doesn’t register as romantic or anything more than friends because at the end of each day that’s what they are. They are friends and they love each other. It doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that. 

 

Kara had always seen her for who she wanted to be. She came from a family who would never accept Kara or Kal for being aliens. She worried abou Lex and the directions his projects had begun to take. He was becoming more secretive and would quickly cut himself off when the subject of Superman came up.The silence was almost scarier than when he would theorize about the potential harm that these so called gods could exact upon the human race. But Kara had never let it scare her away. Lena wonders sometimes if it would be better if Kara got scared off but so far she couldn’t bring herself to follow that thought into action. 

“You let me see you Lena. Before we were friends I could see your light and your kindness. My deepest wish is that the world will see you as I do.”

Lena feels the tears pool in her eyes but even as the Luthor mantra going through her head she ignores it and buries her head against the Kara’s skin where her neck meets her shoulder. She’s never felt as safe as when she’s in Kara’s arms. She can feel the hoodie Kara stole start to get wet under her face but she also knows as Kara tightens her hug that she would never be judged for them. It’s just like she was telling Kara, they are each other’s safe places. She stays there for a few long moments just breathing and feeling her best friend against her. Her arms are low on Kara’s back and she loves that in her bare feet she’s a few inches shorter than the other woman. Kara rests her head on top of Lena’s after placing a gentle kiss in her hair. 

Though never more content than being exactly where she is, she pulls back without breaking either of their holds to look up at Kara again. Her eyes have lost the bit of darkness and she feels that Kara is ready to talk. 

“I love you and how you build me up, but you can tell me what’s going on.” 

“I love you too. It’s just so hard watching Kal out there. He’s wearing our family crest when he doesn’t even know what it means. I know he’s spent time learning about Krypton at the fortress but he can’t understand. He never walked around under Rao. He never heard the natural cadence of ourspokenlanguage. He never saw the different guilds and the buildings and the homes. He never celebrated with our family or did the rituals of mourning. He comes out and saves the day, and I’m glad for it. I am glad he is using our legacy to protect people and help. But he does it because this is where he grew up. He landed here as a baby and was raised by the Kents and being an alien was something he had to hide, until it wasn’t. Until it became something to be recognized for. He saves people but he treats it all like a joke. It was supposed to be me Lena. I was supposed to raise him and show him how we lived even if it couldn’t be where it should have been. I was supposed to keep Krypton alive through him but now I am alone and the only person who is my actual family is a Kryptonian second.” 

She was crying halfway through trying to get out what she wanted to say and Lena wiped her tears away and held her face in her palms. Her eyes never left the face of the person she cherished above any others. 

“And I know I’m not alone. I have the Danvers, and I have my friends, and I have you” she said with such feeling behind her last word that Lena could never doubt her place in Kara’s life. 

“It’s just I get so angry sometimes. I get so jealous of him for being allowed to be the hero when it wasn’t supposed to be him. I get so mad that he left me even though the Danvers are the best family I could have grown up with if I couldn’t be with my own. But I was a child when I got put into the pod. I would have done everything to help raise him when he was a baby and he couldn’t be bothered when I landed here.” 

At this point Kara crumbles. She can’t talk anymore and Lena falls to the ground with her. While a Kryptonian is not the most comfortable thing to land on, being nothing but steel underneath the soft skin, she will take all the potential bruises that come with having the privilege to be there for Kara when she finally lets herself go. She knows that she doesn’t talk like this with Alex for fear of hurting her. Kara loves her sister so much but it means that she can’t let herself completely go around her. She knows that Kara doesn’t hold any ill will towards the Danvers, like she said they were the best family she could have found on Earth, but she also knows that not many people realize that Kara is carrying the weight of an entire dead planet on her shoulders all the time. It isn’t just when she is sad, or reminded of something that doesn’t exist on Earth like it did at home. It’s when she’s happy, it’s when she’s sleeping. It’s always there. 

The anger doesn’t scare Lena. She is in awe of her best friend. Her Kara, who is the strongest being on this planet (there had been tests done between Kara and Kal and she outshone him in every way) and yet she never gave into her pain and anger. She could crush the house they were in without even thinking about it. Her fists could punch through anything they came in contact with, her eyes could literally shoot lasers, yet she mediated every extra ability she had as to not frighten or accidently hurt those around her. She touched Lena with a gentleness that was rare for humans, but almost unbelievable for someone like Kara. She had little idea of how much she held back each moment (mathematical computations always got stopped halfway through because while she knew Kara would never actually hurt her it still freaked her out when she started looking at the numbers). But she knew how lucky she was everytime Kara so much as held her hand. Kara was a very tactile person all the time but with no one but Lena did she give in to the desire to be touching her almost always. It was just like Lena holding some part of her when Kara was about to float away, or even just sitting next to her, they gravitated toward the other naturally. 

“Kara,” Lena said softly when she heard her breathing starting to even out, “Can you look at me please?”

Kara did, but with a hesitancy. They had talked about most of these things before but Lena knew that Kara was always worried about showing the depth of her feelings no matter how many reassurances Lena gave her. 

“There is no one who can actually understand how you are feeling. Or even get close to it. Not just because we aren’t the same species, or because Kal is but he grew up here. No one can because everyone feels things differently. That’s beautiful but it is also isolating sometimes. So I’m not going to sit here and say it will be okay. I won't tell you this will pass. We don’t lie to each other and I won’t start now. I will tell you that Krypton is alive in you and I would love to hear you talk about it anytime you want to. It doesn’t have to be a big conversation but never feel like you need to hide your thoughts from me. You can tell me about how this dog reminds you of some unpronounceable animal because of the way it swishes its’ tail at you and I will listen. You can tell me how as much as you love food you miss some taste that can’t be replicated here and I will imagine it with you. You can tell me anything, anytime, and I will listen.”

Kara laid her head on Lena’s shoulder and held her hand tightly. Lena could no longer feel her right foot but knew that when they eventually untangled she could raise one eyebrow and Kara would massage feeling back into it without the pins and needles making her want to chop it off. So she held her hand and rubbed her thumb across the back of it waiting for whatever Kara still hadn’t said. 

“They all died Lena. They all died because of my family not telling the truth. Then my parents died for me. They sent me into space with the hope that I would find Earth and live.”

“I know Kara. But you did. They died so that you wouldn’t have to.”

“But how do you make that decision? How do you choose who you would die for? How is that fair?”

“I don’t know. I can’t imagine being in their shoes but you were their daughter. You were the most important person in their life Kara. They were willing to die for you.”

“Lena?”

“Yeah Kara.”

“I would die for you.”

Lena felt like the air had been ripped out of her body. Not just by the intensity of the words, because Lena knew that Kara would. But by the idea of Kara ever dying. The idea of a world without Kara Danvers was devastatingly unthinkable. And for Kara to be willing to leave Alex and her mom behind, her friends, all the dogs she had yet to meet. No. She couldn’t let the edges start to blur right now. She could feel them want to squeeze her. She could feel her vision start to narrow and the beginning of tremors in her hand. She tried to pull it away from Kara so she wouldn’t notice but was stopped when the grip on hers tightened. 

“Lena, I’m sorry. Please don’t freak out. I didn’t mean I was going to. I’m sorry.” 

Kara started murmuring to her. Her mouth as close to her ear as possible without actually touching it but she couldn’t hear the words. She felt her hand being raised and placed on Kara’s chest and below the tingling she could feel the air going in and out of Kara’s body. She started to mimic the movements as best she could. Kara gradually slowed down her breathing, having started close to Lena’s own hyperventilating so she could match and then try to bring them both back down. Lena heard the words start to actually make sense and started counting with Kara.

“163. 167, 173, 179. I’m okay Kara.” 

“Lena, I’m so sorry.”

“No, it wasn’t your fault. It’s okay. I’m okay.”

They were both quiet for a while, gaining their bearings again. This wasn’t the first panic attack Lena had but they were starting to become more frequent lately and she knew she should be concerned about them. Almost never did they happen when Kara was close to her though. She burrowed closer to Kara and just existed, exhausted after one as always. Kara didn’t move but to hold onto her and be with her. 

“I would for you too.” 

“Lena we don’t have to talk about this.”

“No, I am actually okay Kara. And I want you to know, I would for you too.” 

“I know.”

“I think about it sometimes. Who I would die for.”

“You do?”

“Yeah I do. Not a lot but it happens.” Lena’s mind was never quiet for long. That was something they both knew. Kara’s mind was light years, literally, ahead of most minds on Earth and she had similar problems sometimes, but she also had ways of making her thoughts quiet down. She did a type of meditative practice that she had tried to teach Lena but her mind always got stuck on the mispronouncing of words she couldn’t make the sounds to and it tended to just annoy her further. Kara always understood. Lena had yet to find a way to make her mind not run a million miles an hour so it didn’t seem odd to her that when a thought crossed it she ran with it even if it was in the background to what she was actually thinking about. 

“Lena, who would you die for?”

“Anyone Kara. I would die for anyone.”

 

__________________________________________  
Kara sat atop the Catco Media building. Her legs were dangling on the edge of the roof and she knew that anyone looking up could see her but would be reassured when they noticed the boots and her cape blowing in the wind. 

She had come out as Supergirl only a year ago but had already become common place in National City. Being a hero hadn’t come as easy as she would have liked, see the buildings she may or may not have run into as evidence. And the arguments she had with Alex after saving the plane she was on were ones for the books. But she finally felt like she was doing what she had come to Earth to do. Every time she helped someone it felt a little easier, a little better, a little more like she was herself. 

Kara loved sitting as high into the sky as she could. The thing she loved the most since coming out as Supergirl was how she could now fly without the guilt any time she wanted. But when she was thinking about Lena even hovering was dangerous, see again the buildings. She thought of Lena a lot since coming out. Who was she kidding, she thought of Lena a lot in general. But with the embracing of her true self came the reflections on earlier parts of her life. 

When she was a teenager hearing Lena say she would die for anyone had seemed romantic in the way only those who are too young to understand would think. She had lost an entire planet but the idea of someone being so willing for anyone on this one made her see Lena as even more of a hero than before. She was selfless. A saint in the making. She knows now that a statement like that is dangerous. She knows that protecting people is the thing she loves but there’s a difference between protecting people and what Lena was talking about. 

She wants to scream at her younger self for being so blind. She wants to shake her until she understands. She wants to show her the memories her current self agonizes over and hurt her so that she can do better. She also wants to ask Lena if she understood what she meant in that moment. 

So many things she wants to ask Lena Luthor but she can’t anymore. That’s the thought that drives her from the roof and has her racing as fast as she can away from everything. She feels herself break the sound barrier and knows Alex will be alerted but she doesn’t stop. She pushes herself harder and harder until the tears dry before they can fall down her cheeks


	2. Always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Kara and Lena met. With guest appearances by overprotective Alex and a younger, gentler Lex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank everyone who has given this a chance, it blows my mind so many people have read my story. Hope you enjoy this second installment.

After Lex attacked Superman her world changed. No longer was Luthor associated with power. No longer could Lena hide in her ignorance of what was happening. She knew something had been wrong with Lex for years. His constant suspicion of Superman had turned his belief that the powers could be harnessed for human use to help aid the world at large into anger at being denied what he believed rightfully his. At first Lena had tried to help him, talking about how much the super has done for not only the city but humanity. He had become a symbol of hope in a time when it was so needed. The world had changed, or maybe she was just losing the innocence of childhood. Over the past few years things had seem clouded in darkness as the news continued its sensationalizing reports on deaths and terrorism. Shootings were becoming more prevalent and while the victims were used as an attempt to humanize the stories, the takeaway was always about the shooters themselves. This many people killed, this age of the youngest casualty. More names each time than could ever be committed to memory. It seemed the only thing she was continually greeted with is rising numbers of horrible things happening and fear permeated every fiber of her being. 

 

She was having these feelings a lot more than she had before. The chaos of events burrowing inside of her and leaving behind the shadow of darkness. She woke up to her chest tightening too many mornings. Even though nothing was happening directly to her she couldn’t fight off the fear. 

 

She had never been more grateful for Kara than moments when she felt like her body was on the brink of shaking apart. Kara always seemed to be there waiting to be let in the window when she woke up in cold sweats unable to breathe. 

 

She knew she should tell her not to risk her identity, especially when Lex was home and becoming suspicious of the amount of times they had walked down the staircase together. 

 

“Might as well start charging you rent Danvers” he had chuckled more than once when Kara was digging through the contents of their never full enough refrigerator for breakfast. Lena has taken to ordering extra snacks and supplies from the grocery delivery service but satiating a hungry Kryptonian was always a losing battle. She wondered how Kara’s parents did it on their less than Luthor salary. 

 

Kara never said anything when she was floating next to her window. She just knocked gently and while the sound always caused Lena to startle she felt overwhelming relief upon seeing the face of her best friend. 

 

She opens the window, wondering why she bothered to lock it anymore but also acknowledging that the act of having to stand and make the four paces was helpful. Knowing that she was in control of letting her friend in when everything else seemed so impossible to get a grasp on. 

 

Kara quietly landed on the carpet, her sound cushioned. She always asked what Lena needed. It changed more as these episodes kept happening. Sometimes she needed the safety of Kara’s arms around her and that tactile comfort. Sometimes she needed her to give her space but exist near her, holding her hand after she stopped feeling like every touch hurt her bone deep. Sometimes she needed Kara to talk to her about nothing, the reassurance of her voice making its way into a brain that wouldn’t stop buzzing. 

 

Kara didn’t tell her it was okay, but she told her she was there. It wasn’t out loud but Lena could feel it just the same. 

 

Kara helped her come back to herself. Until the present seemed more attainable than the blanket of suffocating anxiety she experienced. 

 

Sometimes she would cry and wonder what was wrong with her. Why was this happening to her? Why couldn’t she control herself?

It had been beaten into her, most of the time with repetitive words that dictated what a Luthor was and wasn’t. With Kara there she didn’t feel as broken. When Kara was with her she felt like there was still a light waiting for her. 

 

She would always hold her afterwards. She made her feel real. 

 

She could read the worry in her eyes but she didn’t know how to assuage it. She didn’t know how to answer the questions that she couldn’t even form out loud. 

 

Lena was smart. If she was proud of anything in her life it was her intelligence. So she knew something was happening to her. But she also knew that asking Lillian or even Lex about it was not an option. From the moment she entered the Luthor mansion she was met with an ambivalent new mother at the best of time, a cruel and criticizing monster at her worst. The only consistent thing with her was the vitriol of what she was expected to be even though she would never be a true Luthor. 

 

“Luthors do not cry Lena, stop sniveling”

 

“Luthors do not make unnecessary movements Lena, stop that squirming right now”

“Children are never to be heard and honestly some are not meant to be seen Lena”

 

She was four years old when her real mother died. Her memories of her the realist thing in her young life but slowly the comfort and love she knew early in life were replaced with suspicion and condescension from her new mother. 

 

The only thing she brought with her was a small teddy bear, her backpack of clothes thrown into the garbage before she left the orphanage. Her bear met a similar fate when she had embarrassed Lillian at a party by not finishing her plate. She was made to sit in the sterile living room as Lillian threw her bear into the fire, claiming that toys were not acceptable for anyone living in this house, no matter how unwanted. 

 

Lena cried that night as quietly as she could in her room but somehow Lex still must have heard her. He came into her room and she was terrified. Though her new brother had done nothing to her yet she knew that her new house was not a place to let your guard down in.  
He stood beside her bed as she tried to stop the tears silently falling down her face and pretended to be asleep. 

 

“You can’t cry Lena. Mother will be angry.” 

 

She burrowed deeper and hid her face, waiting for the retaliation. 

 

But none came. Instead he left and she finally took a breath when she was alone again. 

 

But he came back. He was holding a piece of paper and just waited. When she peaked out from under her blankets he took a step closer and then another until he was right next to her. He waited until she sat up and then handed her the paper without saying a word. 

 

On it was a clumsy drawing of her teddy bear sitting in front of a chessboard that, while rushed, still resembled the one in the living room. 

 

Her breath left her quickly as she clutched the drawing close to her and looked at her brother again. 

 

“Keep it hidden Lena, you always have to hide what matters to you so only you can enjoy it.”

 

And he left. 

 

Some lessons made it into her heart on accident. There is a reason repetition is used so effectively in school settings. But some she did work to hold onto. The differentiating factor was usually who they came from. Lex’s always were learned willingly by Lena while Lillian’s were against her will. 

 

That wasn’t the first time Lex was kind to her but it was the moment she trusted her brother and gripped onto him as the only person she could trust. Until Kara. When Kara crashed into her life, Lena learned later that she had crashed into the whole world and not just hers, Lena finally had someone with no ulterior motives who genuinely cared about her. Kara cared in a wholehearted way almost from the moment they met in school. 

 

Lillian was always lecturing about how certain people deserved better than others. She never explicitly said that money was the deciding factor but it was implied. The best only applies to what the world saw though. Clothes, jewelry, and education were prime examples. When Lena was taken in by the Luthors she was put through a battery of test both physical and mental. The later far outweighed the former. A veritable troop of different analyzers were called in to assess her mental abilities. 

 

She didn’t know what the results meant until much later but it was discovered that even at such a young age she had the potential to be brilliant. But Lena wasn’t ever shown approval or even tolerance for her budding genius. Instead it was almost an excuse for Lillian to demand more from her. 

 

Lex was sent abroad to boarding school for as long as Lena could remember. He became a rarity in her life but the parts that he shared were some of the only happy memories she had from that time. 

 

Instead of joining him in Europe she was relegated to the local school though the expectations didn’t lessen. Lillian made it known that she didn’t deserve to go away, though Lena was never sure why Lillian wouldn’t have taken the easy out of having her not around anymore.  
She advanced through grades quickly, skipping three alone in her first year at the elementary school. She had always been a quiet and withdrawn child and her dramatically younger age didn’t encourage people to try to befriend her. She became an anomaly that at best was ignored and at worst taunted until she stopped trying to interact with anyone, even the teachers who at the beginning thought the prodigy would be a welcome addition to the class but came to resent what they interpreted as coldness like her mother. 

 

Everything changed when she was in middle school. She had been moved to a much larger campus that brought together the students from all local elementaries. Suddenly trying to not take up space amongst people she had been around for years turned into just trying to make it from class to class with a couple hundred more students. Her younger age became even more apparent as well when the other students began entering the times in their lives when bodies and hormones changed and she was still a child.  
She had gotten a good pattern down by the end of the first month that was mostly keeping her head down and moving as quickly as possible, thereby avoiding most of the other students. Here her teachers were more receptive to her demeanor because she did her work and didn’t cause problems like so many of the rambunctious preteens they were overwhelmed with. 

 

She didn’t have anyone to share things with so she never really knew the goings on or major changes in her town or at her school but even she noticed when Kara Danvers started during her second year. It was like the halls became a little bit brighter no matter how much time she spent looking down at the ground. She saw the new blonde girl in most of her classes and besides noting her smile when she did her normal assessments to gauge her threat level she tried not to pay too much attention to her. She had learned early on that when she showed interest in anyone, even just looking too long at a person, she opened herself up for all different kinds of retaliations.

 

Things got back to normal and she continued in her regular day to day schedule until one afternoon during lunch there was a commotion. She was sitting in the back corner of the cafeteria, it was against school rules to eat outside of it, with her back to the wall making her way through her lunch when she heard the shrieking. All heads turned at once to the source of the noise including Lena’s. I’m the middle of the cafeteria was the normally loudest table of people. Winn Scott, James Olsen, Mike Matthews, Maggie Sawyer, Alex Danvers, and Kara Danvers. There weren’t many of them but they took up the entire table with their larger than life personalities. Everyone knew them or wanted to. Most of them were intimidating in ways that ranged from Winn’s intellect but geeky self deprecating jokes that put people at ease to Alex who was the definition of “don’t even try.” Kara was the only one who was usually approachable and never seemed to meet a person she didn’t make smile. 

 

Right now though was not the norm. Kara was yelling, steadily louder, and trying to hide under the table. Everyone had stopped moving, even the teachers on duty to monitor the students during lunch hour. Alex seemed to recover the quickest and grabbed Kara’s hand pulling her toward the door as Kara ducked her head and held her hands over her ears so hard that they were turning white. As they exited the doors the whispers started almost instantly. Lena was too far away from everyone to really hear what they were saying but she caught words. Freak, weirdo, crazy. 

 

She got to her feet and went towards the doors that the sisters had just exited. She didn’t look back to see if anyone was watching her but she knew they must be. She was used to the way people talked about her but it just felt wrong to hear them use the same words about Kara. When she pushed into the courtyard she saw Alex with her arms wrapped tight around an immovable Kara, whispering something too quiet for Lena to hear. She just stood and watched them as the minutes seemed to last hours. 

 

Alex noticed her first and turned her harshest glare on her. 

 

“What the fuck are you doing here Luthor?” 

 

She saw Kara open her eyes as she tried to remember how to say any words at all. Green connected with blue and the utter sadness that existed in the blonde’ eyes terrified Lena. So she ran. 

 

She chastised herself the entire time she walked home and had no explanation for a furious Lillian who screamed at her for embarrassing the family. 

 

Why had she felt drawn to follow them out the door? She asked herself that a lot over the course of the night as she tried to ignore her growling stomach,empty without getting to eat dinner, her punishment from Lillian for shaming her today. She asked herself again and again as the driver delivered her to school the next day. She couldn’t find an answer and doubted she ever would. 

 

She did not expect for Kara to be in school and wasn’t surprised by the blonde’s absence over the next couple days. She had almost let herself believe that things would just go back to normal and she could forget the whole experience when she returned to school Monday. 

She did not expect that Kara would be sitting in the open seat next to hers in first period English. This was the first time Kara surprised her but it would definitely not be the last. 

 

Lex has always taught her that there were prices to being a Luthor. Outside the safety of the walls of their house, his word not hers, people were much harder to figure out. But they had one thing in common. They all wanted something. 

 

“Always be aware Lee.” He told her. 

 

“Learn how to read people. Calculate what they want, because people will always want something from you. You are a Luthor now and people know what that means. We have more and people assume it means they can have some too. Be careful Lena. Remember to always protect yourself above anything else.” 

 

When she saw Kara sitting in the seat next to hers she knew what it meant. She just didn’t know how to figure it out like Lex had told her she needed to. So she pretended like it wasn’t the first time someone had voluntarily taken a seat near her. She walked toward her seat in the back and put her bag on the floor behind her chair after grabbing her notebook and pen just like she always did. She felt the blue eyes tracking her the entire time but never once gave into the urge to return the glance. She kept her head forward and waited for class to begin. She was early, as she always was, because getting to her seat was easier when less people were around. She was controlling every movement of her body and hoped it wasn’t obvious that her heart was racing. 

 

The gentle “hi” from her new neighbor about made her fall out of her seat. She still didn’t respond. 

 

“Hi” Kara said a little louder to the still quiet Luthor.  
“I’m Kara. You’re Lena right?” 

 

Lena barely turned her head toward the girl, staring out of the side of her eye to try to see how Kara was looking at her. She noticed her smile again. 

 

She gave a tiny nod but this was the opening the blonde has apparently been waiting for because she leaned her body closer causing Lena to reflexively back away toward the edge of her seat. 

 

Kara adjusted herself back to her original distance, but the smile never left her face as she began speaking again. 

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I just wanted to talk to you if that’s okay. Golly I’m not usually this bad at talking to people. Alex always says I don’t know how to say hello without taking a full five minutes but right now I’m having a hard time even saying anything besides hi. Again. I’m sorry. Is it okay if I sit next to you? I don’t think anyone is sitting here but maybe I’m wrong. I usually sit in the front so I don’t notice things back here. Maybe you have someone who normally sits next to you or you’re saving a seat so I shouldn’t have just assumed.” 

 

Kara seemed to trail off in her long winded ramble that had strangely calmed Lena down in a way that talking to someone never had before. She looked back over at Kara and noticed a crinkle between her brows and a blush on her cheeks that seemed to make her eyes look even more alight than they normally did. Not that Lena noticed her eyes normally. She hadn’t ever really had the chance to look at Kara close before but she realized now that she had an openness that made her feel slightly at ease but also worried because she still couldn’t tell what she wanted. 

 

“No one sits next to me.”

 

“Is it because you like to be by yourself? I like when things are quiet sometimes. Everything here is so loud and distracting, maybe it would be easier if I was by myself more often but even when I am I can still hear people all the time.”

 

“I’m always by myself.” 

 

“Yeah I’ve noticed that. But why? Never mind. I’m sorry. Was that not okay to ask? I’m still trying to learn this. This isn’t going well I don’t think.”

 

“It’s okay.” Lena surprised them both by saying. “You don’t have to sit by me. Your friends will probably wonder why you are. They wouldn’t like it if you stayed back here.” 

 

“I want to sit by you.” 

 

Lena felt her stomach clench as she waited for Kara to finally explain what was happening. What she wanted and then Lena could get back to normal. Kara would be just another person who came to gain enough to make fun of her or let her friends do it for her after being given fodder. 

 

“Why?”

 

“Because you came to see if I was okay. I think. I don’t really remember what exactly happened when you came outside but i think you might have been checking on me and I wanted to say thank you.” Kara said most of this a lot more quietly than she had been talking before and this time it was Lena who leaned closer, fractionally, to hear her. 

 

“I don’t know why I followed you. I should apologize. Your sister was really mad.” 

 

“Alex is always worried about me. I’m sorry she yelled at you. I thought it was nice.” Her smile was back and shining brilliantly. 

 

The bell rang and when class started the blonde didn’t try to talk to her anymore. People turned to look back at them with curious and accusatory gazes but none of it phased Kara who continued to smile through the whole period, and the next few after that as she again chose to sit near Lena but didn’t say anything beyond hi and bye. Lena spent the day trying to understand but coming to no real conclusion. 

 

She spent lunch in the bathroom, worried about the unregulated amount of time that the period presented and honestly feeling out of sorts. 

 

The week continued and with it Kara sitting by her did as well. It became a new part of her routine and soon Lena made peace with it and stopped being as worried. Kara talked sometimes but never seemed upset with Lena’s hesitant answers. Slowly she got more comfortable with the blonde’s presence. Kara had so much energy and seemed genuinely happy all the time. 

She told her about Alex, though Lena doubted half the stories because there was no way Alex Danvers really dances to *NSYNC songs or once accidentally left a bag of flour on the lit burner until it caught fire when they were making cookies. 

She told her about things she had seen that excited her. She told her about how she wanted a dog more than anything else in the whole world. She told her how sometimes things seemed too loud or too bright and she wanted to just shut it down for a little while. Lena slowly started to talk to her about things, at first just class assignments or explaining things that Kara didn’t understand sometimes. She thought some of the things that Kara said were a little strange but also endearing in a way she couldn’t explain.

 

After a few weeks people no longer whispered about them or watched them quietly talk before class. Lena was starting to share things with Kara beyond school related topics and she wondered if this was what having a friend was like. Part of her kept waiting for when Kara finally told her what she wanted but that part was shrinking smaller day by day. 

Lena thought this new feeling she was having more and more often might be happiness like what she had read about in books. She liked being around Kara and she didn’t know why but Kara seemed to like being around her too. 

 

It was after a couple months that Kara asked if she wanted to sit with her at lunch. Lena was terrified because while Kara seemed an anomaly to everyone else she had encountered there was no way that her friends would be kind to her as well. 

 

She was wrong though. While her inclusion wasn’t met with immediate ease, in time she became part of the group. She started to come out of the shell that she had built to protect herself and realized that not all people were like those Lex warned. Sometimes people could be good and she felt like she was finally welcomed like she never had been before. 

 

Years passed and the actuality of having friends stopped surprising Lena. She learned more about everyone in the group and found a place for herself. But her friendship with Kara was always different. It was stronger and more intense than anything she had read about before. They became inseparable, so much so that people found it strange when one was without the other. 

She spent as much time at the Danvers’ house as she could because it meant she wouldn’t have to be at home with Lillian. With Lex at boarding school and Lionel always traveling for work the house seemed hauntingly empty and Lena hated being there. Lillian also seemed perfectly happy for Lena not to be around even if she was spending time with less desirable people according to Lillian.

 

Kara became her confidant and holder of her secrets. She listened to her dreams and never once told her to stop being silly. She encouraged her when she got an idea in her head and reminded her to eat when she forgot to. She was the instigator of crazy plans that Lena fought against but ended up loving. She was her hand to hold when she finally let her emotions show years into their friendship because Luthor conditioning was hard to ignore. She was a space heater, a pun she used as often as possible after Kara told her her secret, on cold nights they slept in the same bed because she couldn’t bear to go home. She was the kind words that reminded her that she wasn’t the things that Lillian said about her. She was her defender when people tried to be mean to her and then it was Lena holding her back because Kara could be impulsive when it came to protecting those she loved. And she was the person Lena began to discover what love meant with. It wasn’t something that she had a lot of practice with and it scared her when she realized how strongly she felt about Kara but it was also she who Lena turned to when the feelings overwhelmed her and she needed a safe space to be held. 

 

Kara was her best friend and when Lex tried to defeat Superman, but only ended up killing innocent people, Lena knew she had to protect her this time. 

 

It was easy to push away her other friends. They weren’t exactly clamoring to be around her after the attack anyways. She was pulled out of school due to the investigation that was happening and her obligatory court appearances. Lillian was spouting hateful rhetoric, to anyone who would listen, about how Lex was the victim and Superman the true villain. She wouldn’t allow Lena to go anywhere without her and when they were at home she claimed she couldn’t bear to be around her. 

So Lena was alone. She had a secret phone that almost no one had the number to and while all of her friends had sent her messages with blanket sorrys and welfare checks she ignored them until they stopped trying. Except Kara. Kara texted her constantly and called until her voicemail was full. 

Lena tried as hard as she could to not read them but she slipped too many times. She could feel the actual concern from Kara. She knew if she listened to the voicemails she would break. She wouldn’t be able to say no to Kara when she asked her to call her back if she heard her voice. She wouldn’t be able to protect Kara from her. And she was her greatest liability right now. 

She was the sister of the man who tried to kill her cousin but only succeeded in murdering other people in his blind vendetta. She couldn’t let Kara near her. She had to do this, even if it was hurting her more than anything ever had before. 

 

She should have known that it wouldn’t be that easy. Maybe she did know. But she also hoped Kara realized how dangerous it would be for her to associate with Lena anymore. She knew she wouldn’t see it that way but she hoped. 

 

She wasn’t at all surprised when Kara knocked on her window late one night. Well maybe she was but only because it had taken Kara a whole week and she honestly didn’t think she would have the patience to last that long. 

 

“Lena, I know you can hear me. Please let me in. If you don’t I won’t break in but I will stay here as long as it takes. I know what you’re doing Lena and I won’t just let you go like this. Please let me in.”

 

And she did because she could never say no to Kara especially when she heard the break in her voice. She let her in and sought comfort in her arms when she didn’t deserve any. She let herself finally cry for the people Lex had killed, for the families, for the world, and for herself. She let Kara pull her into bed and whisper comforting words about it not being her fault. She let Kara put her back together when it wasn’t her job and she should be telling her to go far away and never talk to her again. She let Kara in just like that day in English class and a million times since then because she was weak and broken and bad. 

 

“We don’t keep secrets Lena. Your pain is my pain and you don’t have to do this alone.” 

 

She didn’t even realize she was repeating the apology that wasn’t hers to give over and over like a mantra until Kara told her she didn’t have to be sorry. 

 

“This isn’t your fault Lena. Lex chose this but you aren’t like him. You’re stronger than him Lena. You just have to keep fighting. Please Lena, you can’t stop.”

 

“Always” she whispered back and hoped Kara couldn’t hear the guilt in her voice when she couldn’t tell if it was a lie or not.  
____________________________________________

 

Kara flew for hours until she could barely keep herself in the air. She had turned off her comms after the fifth time Alex’s voice came through. What had started off as concern and checking in had turned to barely concealed anger at Kara’s lack of response. She knew when she made her way back to National City she would have hell to pay from her overprotective older sister. She knew it wasn’t fair to Alex to disappear but she didn’t understand. 

Alex loved Lena like another little sister and had been similarly devastated with what happened, but it was nothing compared to Kara’s own anguish.

So she punished herself, she didn’t seek the reassurances that would have happened the moment she turned to Alex because even if she couldn’t understand she saw the pain in Kara’s eyes and was hurting for no other reason than Kara was. 

 

She finally touched down somewhere in the deserts of Africa, alone for hundreds of miles. She didn’t so much as touch as crash but her energy was completely gone. She cast a second of concern to the idea that she might not be able to get herself home until the sun came up and re energized her, even though she could still feel some revitalization happening as soon as she stopped pushing herself and just let herself fall. 

 

Alex wasn’t alone in not understanding what was happening to Kara. The guilt she felt couldn’t be expressed in any of the human or alien languages Kara had mastered in her life. She couldn’t tell Alex that this was her fault, it didn’t matter that she had loved Lena, had given anything and everything to help her. It didn’t matter that she was young and didn’t understand herself yet what was going on. She should have. She was supposed to be a hero but at the end of the day she couldn’t do enough for the one person who mattered to her more than anyone else. 

 

She had known Lena was in pain. She had known something was wrong all those mornings when she was awakened by the racing of Lena’s heart and the catch of her breath as she desperately tried to wake herself from whatever nightmares she was trapped in. 

She goes back over every moment wishing she had done more. Wishing she had helped her better. She held her and comforted her and when Lena was in her arms she always felt like she had saved her. But she hadn’t. 

 

Everyone told her that she couldn’t have done more but they didn’t know Lena like she did. They weren’t there for the years of quiet conversations that slowly shifted from joviality to helplessness. She should have known the first or even the fifth time Lena tried so desperately to tell her what was wrong and ignored the “I’m okay’s.” She should have... 

 

Kara still can’t pinpoint the exact moment things had changed. She looks back and notices the differences but at the time they were subtle, a smile not quite reaching her eyes, the more hours spent in seclusion even after Lillian stopped monitoring her every movement, her losing that fire in her eyes, and all of her tinkering projects slowly being abandoned. 

 

She doesn’t forgive her younger self for her mistakes. Age makes no differences. She had lost her entire world and wasn’t aware enough to realizing it was happening again. 

 

Kara doesn’t forgive herself and in that moment, alone in the uninhabited desert, she knows that she shouldn’t. Some things are unforgivable. Some things become another crushing defeat on the shoulders of supposed superhero.

Some hero she is. 

 

She wishes she could turn off the cyclone of memories and thoughts overwhelming her but she doesn’t deserve peace so as she sits there on the oceans of sand she lets them take her under.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll be posting the next chapter in about a week. Thank you again for reading!  
> Any questions, concerns, or just general desire to talk about these two or this universe feel free to contact me on tumblr: nataliawhite92 
> 
> Also so many thanks to SpicyCheeser who continues to encourage and help me!


	3. Never

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has more of Lex and Lena’s relationship as they are growing up, a character death, Alex being the best and not at all subtle, and the introduction of a new person in Lena’s life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is rough guys. Be forewarned.

Lena coming to the realization she was gay was no earth shattering revelation. The love she felt for Kara was the only sure thing she knew in her life. That’s why she had to protect her. From her family even if one of them was behind bars, from the temptation to give in to her feelings, and from herself. 

 

Lionel died on a Tuesday morning, alone in his office, and not found until he was late to a meeting, hours later. 

This didn’t surprise Lena really, her family was never one to ask for help or acknowledge weakness in any way. 

When they found out his heart had been a consistent problem for years she felt it was par for the course of being a Luthor. There was no fanfare or weeping. Lillian acted as though the task of planning a funeral for someone who she had spent the past two decades with was more of a chore than anything else. 

The production was put on for the expectations of everyone who would be attending out of duty and in an attempt not to stir the ire of the now sole heir to the Luthor fortune, or so Lillian thought. 

 

Lena was surprised to be contacted by one of Lionel’s many lawyers, her presence requested at his office the day after they put the only father she had ever known in the ground. 

She knew that she should be feeling differently. She should be mourning her father figure but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. 

 

Lionel had always been more of an idea than an actual person in her life. He could be caught rushing out early in the morning, on the rare times when he was actually home, or sneaking in long after everyone else was supposed to be in bed. 

 

The only memory she really had of the man was of him taking her hand in the orphanage and telling her in a voice that rang with authority that she would be coming with him to live with him and his wife. He never said the word family. 

 

After that they shared maybe a handful of words over the years. Lena felt ambivalent about him being gone, which made her feel guilty, which made her spiral into a mess of questioning what makes a parent, or a friend, or a significant other.

 

She had noticed that the numbness, that had been a rarity, was slowly starting to creep into her everyday existence. It had not overwhelmed everything but it seemed like she was on mute and someone else was in control of the remote. She felt like she was behind some sort of opaque glass that had been smeared but she could still see through it if she tried. But trying was exhausting. Everything about her life was becoming exhausting. She was on the edge of nothingness and it was slowly coming for her. 

 

The thing that should freak her out the most was it wasn’t all of a sudden. She wasn’t fine one night going to sleep and then woke up in this new world. It happened over time. She stopped wanting to challenge Lillian about going out. She stopped plotting with her friends to sneak them in. She stopped waiting for the inevitable gifts of condolence that were meant to cheer her up. She just stopped. The worst part was she didn’t know how to fight it. So she stopped that too. 

 

She went to the attorney’s office and waited for him to finish with the obligatory apologies. She tuned in and out as he exalted Lionel’s virtues, though maybe interrupting would have been a better idea because she was feeling less and less connected the longer she sat there. Finally with a pause in his probably prepared speech she looked up from her hands. Her dry and cracked hands that she had taken to picking apart at every slight imperfection until they were a mess of red lines that she should probably cover up as to not draw attention to herself. But who would notice anyways?

She realized that the silence had become awkward and she tried to turn her attention back to the man in front of her. 

 

“Lionel had two wills” 

 

static 

 

“a sizable amount of money” 

 

static

 

“maybe view it as an apology”

 

static 

 

He handed her a folder and her eyes moved over the array of numbers listing the account that had been created in her name. The money that had been moved more than once into said account until it seemed to bulge. The unrealistic amount of zeros and commas behind the number at the front. 

 

She thanked him, shook his hand and left. She knew she should have said something more but she was tired again. She hadn’t spent this much time out of bed in days and she was just worn through. 

 

The only thing in her life that didn’t stop was Kara. Kara was an unstoppable force and she was far from the immovable object. Kara wouldn’t let her sink when the thought of the world being seen from beneath the shimmering waves seemed so appealing. 

 

Kara was always there. No matter how much Lena protested, she wasn’t sure if she really did but she tried, Kara wouldn’t go away. She tried to tell her it wasn’t safe. But Kara just looked at her like she could see right through her weak arguments and came closer. 

 

The warmth was the first thing Lena felt that pulled her out of the fog. 

 

She didn’t know if she was shaking from the cold or from something inside of her but Kara’s arms held her together like they always did. 

 

Lena felt her fingers tracing patterns on her back as she laid with her head on Kara’s chest. She slept on and off but every time she woke Kara was still there. Everything had felt like a dream for so long, how long exactly? 

 

“Five days” Kara answered the question she didn’t even know she spoke out loud. 

She blinks her eyes at the words wondering how so little time had passed in the world when she felt like she had been stuck for years. 

 

“Are you really awake this time?” Her voice was so gentle, she was trying so hard but it still felt to Lena like an alarm blaring and she felt herself flinch. 

 

She was worried for a moment that Kara would release her and she felt her heart start to race in response, but Kara just tightened her hold and gave her a questioning look. What can I do? It said. What do you need? How can I help? 

Lena had made a mission out of learning Kara’s face, her mannerisms, her looks, and her crinkle. She could tell when she was hungry before her stomach released a roar of indignation. She could tell when the world was too loud just by the tightening of her eyes. She could read Kara like an open book she would never tire of and in that moment she was grateful. 

 

She felt her body come back to her. The blood pumping through her limbs as she stretched and shifted. Sounds started to reintroduce themselves slowly but she preferred it this way. 

She realized just how entangled Kara and her were, their legs woven together because every conceivable inch of them was touching. It still didn’t feel close enough. She nuzzled her head closer on Kara’s collarbone only stopping when she felt the blonde start giggling and she knew it was tickling her. She did it again just for the sound. 

 

“Lena!” the whine in her voice was better than any music she could think of. She did it again and felt Kara start to run her fingers up her sides in retaliation. 

 

When she laughed she felt like she had come up for air. It burst out of her, a little broken around the edges, but full and strong. She laughed and laughed until tears slid down her face. She laughed until she realized how hungry she was beneath the cramps in her stomach. She laughed until she was sobbing and back in Kara’s arms. 

 

Kara laid them back down and stroked her hair. The Kryptonian lullaby that fell from her lips was one of sadness and loss. Kara rarely sang her the songs like this because Lena knew it made her remember too much but for Lena she would. 

 

“I’m sorry Kara.”

 

“You don’t have to apologize to me Lena.”

 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Loss does strange things to my family and I have lost a lot of people.”

“Well you’re not going to lose me. You don’t have to be afraid. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.”

 

“Promise?”

 

“I will always be your friend. And I will always protect you. I promise.” 

 

Lena wondered if she still had some fight in her after all.

Life continues. Seasons pass. Kara stays. 

Lena still felt the numbness but she got better at hiding it. She fought for focus. She fought for normality. She fought to be good enough for her friend who looked at her like she was whole. She wanted to tell Kara what was going on but she was terrified of her realizing just how broken she really was.

She couldn’t hide the nightmares but when she woke to the knock on the window they seemed worth it if it meant she could start her days in Kara’s arms. 

School had never been difficult for Lena even as the youngest high school junior by far in the school’s history. She struggled to focus and to remember assignments that she didn’t see the point of but did for no other reason than to keep a low profile in her home. 

Lillian mostly left her alone, some days acknowledging her long enough to throw barbs that had her bleeding but she hid that too. 

She struggled to feel sometimes and considered being concerned but the world seemed easier to deal with when muted. 

Her friends’ awkwardness lessened the more she came back to spending time with them but it wasn’t like before. She felt the looks and the anticipation. She knew they were wondering when she would follow in her brother’s footsteps. 

But Kara was always there to reassure her or distract her. She hated herself for her dependency on her best friend but the only time she felt whole was when she was close. She wondered how long it could last. She wondered when Kara would leave her too. 

She expected suspicion from Alex but instead found a staunch defender. Alex could quiet even the least discreet whispers that burrowed their way under Lena's skin and became additions to the long list of how she was found wanting. Sometimes she wanted to tell people that she wasn’t a part of the family she had been adopted into. She was not a Luthor. She was better, but was she really? If someone was raised by the same parents, marinated in the same xenophobic environment did blood even matter? So she just let them talk about her like she couldn’t hear. But she loved Alex for defending her. 

Alex found out she was gay before anyone else. Maybe there was something about solidarity or maybe no one else paid attention. Kara knew she loved her but Lena knew it was in a different way than Kara loved her back. 

“You know it’s okay right?”

“What are you talking about?” 

They were sitting in the library working on their homework for AP physics or Alex was at least. Lena was smiling at her phone where Kara was currently mid ramble about the inferior Earth knowledge when it came to the sciences, biology being her current discord. 

“Being who you are. Loving women. Being gay.” Alex wasn’t looking at her, instead focusing too hard on the problem set she had finished already. 

Lena wondered if she should deny it but Alex was one of the only people who bothered to see her so instead she just made a quiet noise to let her know she wasn’t wrong and that she was listening. 

“It’s also nice to see you smile.” 

“You like my smile huh?” 

“Don’t even try Lena. Sister rule number one dictates even if I did I wouldn’t say anything.”

At that Lena actually looked at the cautiously still red head. 

“What are you talking about really Alex?”

“You don’t have to hide it Lena. It’s okay to love her. You know she feels the same about you.” 

“She doesn’t and I don’t love her like that.”

“You do, and you always have. And I don’t know why you’re even trying to deny it.” Lena felt Alex straighten next to her and prepared herself for whatever speech Alex obviously felt she needed to get out. 

“Kara loves you. You can’t not see that.”  
“Of course Kara loves me. But Kara also loves the boy who delivers pizza and the woman at the coffee shop and pretty much anyone who has ever fed her.” Lena tried to joke but she heard it come out flat. 

“It’s not the same.”

“Alex…”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to say anything but I think you should.”

“Kara’s the only person who has always been there for me Alex. And you know who my family is. It would never work and it shouldn’t. She would get hurt and it would be my fault. I can’t Alex.” 

“If you really don’t think it would work than that’s okay but don’t hide behind your family. You’re not them Lena.” 

She says it with such surety. Like it should be apparent but Lena doesn’t know how to tell her about the darkness inside her. Of how scared she is all the time that everyone is right. That she is a ticking time bomb. 

“I can’t. She’s too important. She’s… Kara.” She can hear the way her voice cradles the name. Like it’s precious. 

She doesn’t notice the tears fall until they are on the table and Alex reaches for her hand. 

“Okay Lena. It’s okay. Just think about it please.” 

She nods and wonders if Alex could be right. If Kara could love her like she imagines, like she dreams about. But then the memories of her nightmares swarm and she has to push them back before Kara hears her heartbeat race and focuses on what’s going on. 

She nods again and they go back to their work. 

She noticed Veronica looking at her. The day she cornered her in the locker room she wasn’t surprised when she pushed her into the shower and kissed her harshly. She didn’t want to kiss Veronica, hadn’t ever really thought much about kissing anyone but she did want to feel something. And Veronica helped accomplish that. She felt the sharp pain when her lip was bitten. She felt her hands pinned above her head and the bruises forming where Veronica gripped her wrists. She could feel her urgency. 

It happens more than once and after the first time she stops really fighting it at all. But she feels other things. She feels the wrongness of the touch that is not the one she has imagined time and time again. 

They are in the closet by the gym when Kara finds them. She opens the door with a worried expression on her face, probably wondering why when she listened for Lenas heartbeat it was in a closet and so she came to check on her. Veronica was sucking a hickey into her neck but Lena's eyes, which had previously been on the ceiling, had shifted with the sound of the door opening. 

She watches Kara take in the situation and realize what is happening. She watches as her eyes turn away and a blush colors her cheeks. She sees right before Kara shuts the door, Veronica never stopping her ministrations, as Kara catches her eye one last time and the look of utter betrayal is overwhelming. The door closes and Lena doesn’t move. 

They don’t talk about it. Kara brings it up once but everything is wrong. Her voice trying so hard to be supportively inquisitive, to allow Lena to fill in the blanks, but when no explanation falls from her lips Kara leaves it alone. Kara knows but she lets Lena pretend this is what she wants. That Veronica’s touch lights her up like she knows it is supposed to. That whenever she is touching her it doesn’t feel wrong. That she wasn’t pretending it was Kara with every kiss.

She doesn’t let herself feel bad for Veronica, they were using each other after all. She had finally channeled the lessons of being a Luthor. The give and take that came with the power of her last name. Lex would be proud. 

Kara’s still there though. Things have changed but she is always still there. But before where there had never been something they kept from each other now there was a chasm. 

Kara went on a date with Mike soon after witnessing the two of them together. Lena saw in her eyes it wasn’t what she wanted. That she was filling a space but she still couldn’t convince herself to take a chance. Instead she allowed the space that grew between them to live there. Maybe this was what she thought was best for Kara but it was destroying her. She saw her face from that day every time she closed her eyes. The nightmares got more vivid. More intense. And more frequent. She didn’t know if Kara noticed but it was impossible for her to ignore. 

When Lena was seven Lex had decided it was time for her to learn to ride a bike. 

 

“But we have to build it ourselves Lena.”

 

“Why can’t Marcus just buy me one next time he goes into town?”

 

“Because creating something makes it special. To build the bike ourselves will teach you about the mechanisms of it. You’ll know what makes it go forward and how the brakes work. The knowledge gained is worth more than the ability alone.” 

 

They set up a workstation in one of the empty garages and every spare moment was spent together fitting together the gears, oiling the chain so the pedaling would be easier, working to improve the brakes so that the ratio of stopping distance to lever time was perfect. 

Lex allowed her to be as much a part of making the bike as he was. When she had an idea he listened and either tried to implement it or explained to Lena why it wouldn’t work but how they could use it as a starting point. He didn’t talk down to her but instead allowed her to meet him at the level he knew she could reach. 

 

They worked in secret for months until it was finally done. Lena had designed her own helmet with her name in calligraphy on the side in red. Andromeda decorated the front of it, and the Milky Way the back. Lena had painstakingly painted their representations as close to perfect as she could, scrapping helmet after helmet until she deemed it ready. 

 

Lex held onto the back of her seat and she started pedaling. The bike shook back and forth but with her brother’s shouts of encouragement she kept her balance. Hair streaming behind her she laughed as she felt the wind whip her cheeks. Her legs hurt but she was so proud of what they had done that she couldn’t stop. She turned to smile at Lex and saw he was far behind at the top of their winding driveway. One moment of lapsed concentration and she saw the ground coming toward her before she knocked herself out. 

 

Lena broke her arm that day, a compound fracture of her ulna that had left behind a ragged scar she still stroked absentmindedly when working on a problem. She was horrified upon getting her cast removed and seeing the flaw in her skin. Perfection was expected as a Luther and this was a glaring example of how she had failed. 

 

“Scars tell stories Lee. Never be ashamed to have parts of you that remind you of how far you’ve come.” 

 

Lillian had been furious at the both of them, one of the rare times Lena could remember Lillian actually yelling at Lex, and disposed of the bike by the time Lena had come back from the hospital. 

 

The first few nights were excruciating. Lena couldn’t do anything without pain radiating from her arm through her whole body. It was after two nights of her awakening the house with her screams as she accidentally shifting in her sleep that Lillian filled the pain medication that the doctor had prescribed. She came into Lena’s room and stood over her as she lay sweating and trying not to cry in her bed. 

 

“These pills are supposed to help people, I wouldn’t know because I have never been weak enough to take any. Would you like one Lena?”

 

Her body shook, which made her arm hurt more, and she sucked in her bitten lips to keep from screaming. She shook her head no. 

 

“That’s good. Luthor’s are never weak.” 

 

She wonders if Lillian’s tone was a tad softer in that moment. If she might have actually been proud of Lena for refusing something she obviously desperately wanted. Lena would never ask but the pills stayed in her medicine cabinet as a reminder of that lesson. They were pushed to the back and forgotten. 

 

She couldn’t call it a breakup since her and Veronica were nothing more than two girls taking things out on each other. But she did stop allowing it to happen. There weren’t any long speech or reasons given. She just told her she didn’t want to anymore. 

 

“You’ve been getting boring anyways. I don’t even know why I was doing this with you. But if I never was able to get to your brother at least I’ve had you.” 

 

She had stopped feeling the wrongness when she was with Veronica. Her feelings all seemed to be leaching out of her until she could barely grasp at the memories. 

They were fading quickly now and she wasn’t scared. It seemed like this was how it should be. 

 

Kara had gone out with Mike three more times since the first date. Alex was not happy about them being together and Lena felt her pointed glances whenever the topic of the two came up. But what if Kara could be happy with Mike? If she took away the alternative option wouldn’t that mean that Kara could fully commit to the person she had left? 

It didn’t matter that Mike was the classic example of chauvinistic white male privilege. It didn’t matter that his IQ was probably a tenth of Kara’s. He was safe, he would never figure out who Kara was. He would never get suspicious of her accidentally breaking her fifth desk or eating her body weight in pot stickers. He wouldn’t betray her in the worst ways without even realizing. He wouldn’t always be searching his brain for dangerous thoughts and getting stuck in the nothingness that was starting to become her norm. 

 

Kara was the first thing she thought of when she woke up in the morning, the constant throughout her day, the last face she saw when she went to sleep. Kara was her everything. But to Kara she was nothing more than a burden. 

She couldn’t help her, only hold her back or hurt her. Kara was so pure and good. She shouldn’t be spending her time trying to hold Lena together when she had already crumbled into a million little pieces. She shouldn’t have to always be listening for her biorhythms so she could be there anytime Lena was upset. She should be free to become who she was meant to be, not be held back by a friend who had long outlived her purpose. 

 

Lena knew Kara would be hurt by this. She knew she would be sad. But as she remembered her face from the day in the closet she also knew that it would be better. 

That was the first time, but staying around would just be inviting more opportunities to make Kara lose faith in her. She know Kara had promised to always be her friend and she wished she could tell her that she fulfilled her promise. She wanted to tell her how she had made her life better, how she wouldn’t have survived this long without her. She wanted to tell her that when she would absently trace her face while holding her, mapping out the pieces like they were something that should be remembered, overwhelmed her with feelings she had never been able to name. How she wanted to continue to learn Kryptonian just so she could see that light in Kara’s eye flare at getting to converse in her native tongue, no matter how much Lena butchered it. How she knew, even before Kara told her, that she wasn’t human because she shone like the sun and brightened every moment. How impressive her powers were but they didn’t compare to the strength inside of her and how proud she was of her every day for not succumbing to the losses that seemed impossible to balance out. She wanted to tell her… 

 

She felt the tears leak out of her eyes as she reached into the medicine cabinet. When she closed it back up gripping the orange bottle tight enough to make her knuckles a stark contrast, she caught a glimpse of herself. The mirror reflected someone she no longer recognized. 

She could see the same cheekbones, the bow lips, the strong eyebrows, the dark hair. When she came to her eyes though they were empty. She could find nothing of her former self and as she slammed her eyes shut she saw Kara’s face again. Even as she was betrayed by Lena she still have the questioning concern, the forgiveness at the ready, the endless goodness. 

 

She felt her breathing slow, her mind fill with a different fog than before, and she welcomed it for it was different than the scary fog. It was welcoming and soft. It made her feel soft. And tired. She was so tired. She thought of Kara’s smile as she left consciousness behind. 

 

The antiseptic smell burned her nose. She tried to open her eyes but they were so heavy. Bringing her arm to try to brush whatever was holding her eyes shut away she realized with the shock of pain that she had an IV in. She vaulted back into awareness and recognized not the exact room but the walls of Midvale Hospital. As she came back to her body she registered the ache in her throat and the horrible headache from the fluorescent lights. 

 

Lillian was watching her as she cringed and tried to lay back down. 

 

“I know your migraines have been bad but this was a little dramatic Lena. They had to airlift you here and pump your stomach. It was very trying for me to persuade them that this was an accidental miscalculation of dosage.” 

 

Lena had never had a migraine in her life. 

 

“I’m sorry mother. I don’t know how I could make such a mistake with the number of pills I was supposed to take.” 

 

“Weakness.” Lillian stands with a flourish and walks out of the room without a backward glance. 

 

Within moments of her being gone Kara is there. Lena doesn’t have to open her eyes to know she is there. And she is crying. She does open her eyes when she hears the quiet tears turn into full convulsive sobs. She reaches her hand toward Kara’s and is met with a grasp so hard she worries absently about broken bones. 

 

“You don’t have migraines Lena.”

 

“I know.” 

 

“Why?” Her thumb is tracing the back of Lena’s hand, her grip gentled and almost not there but Lena feels every part of where their skin touches like it is the only thing holding her here. 

 

“I don’t know Kara. I was so lost, am so lost. I was scared.” Lena barely whispers and her shoulders slump forward as she just stares at their hands. 

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t realize. I’m so sorry Lena. I knew something was wrong but I didn’t want to force you to talk about it until you were ready.”

 

“Please don’t Kara. Please don’t apologize to me. I just keep ruining everything. I even ruined this. I just wanted to make your life easier and I couldn’t even do that.” 

 

“Lena no!” The desperation made her voice jump and she all but crawled into the bed with Lena. She hesitated, waiting for Lena to decide if she wanted her there or not. With her quick nod Kara laid down beside her and pulled her close. 

 

“You can’t think that Lena. Please please don’t ever think that. I thought I lost you yesterday. When your heart stop it was like my entire world shattered. I haven’t been that scared since I watched Krypton explode. I don’t know why you did it but I can help Lena. If you let me I will do anything to help, we can find someone for you to talk to if you can’t talk to me or we could find you something. Alex was reading a book for AP bio about SSRIs and how humans sometimes need them for imbalances and we can find you some.” Kara continued to try to find answers to the feelings Lena still didn’t know how to verbalize. She talked and talked and Lena stopped listening to the actual words and just let the tone of her voice envelope her. She let herself reacquaint with the feelings of being protected. She felt herself take a step away from the nothing and toward Kara. 

 

“I love you.”

 

“Lena I love you so much. You are my best friend and I don’t ever want to be without you. Please Lena promise me you’ll let me help you.”

 

“I promise Kara. I’m so sorry I lied to you, we don’t lie to each other but I did. I was so scared of you leaving, of you realizing how broken I am and how much more you deserve.” 

 

She feels her chin being gently raised until she is staring at the blue eyes of her best friend. 

 

“Lena, we deserve each other. You are not broken, and even if you are a little right now that’s not forever. But you have to be around so we can figure it out together. El Mayarah. We are stronger together, and I think right now you need a little extra but I’ve got plenty to spare.” 

 

Lena laughed and burrowed her head back into Kara. She pulled at Kara’s arm until it was wrapped around her and Kara started drawing on her back. 

 

“I promise Kara. I promise I’ll never give in.”  
__________________________________________

Kara gets close to National City late in the morning the following day. She wasn’t pushing herself like she had been when flying away. The closer she got the more she realized she didn’t want to be going back. 

 

She turned on her com long enough to contact J’onn and let him know that they needed to deal with any problems for a while. She tried to click off before he responded but she wasn’t fast enough to miss the concern in his voice even as he just confirmed that he heard. 

 

She flew aimlessly for a while, not fast enough to have a destination but too fast to be floating. She didn’t realize she was heading to Midvale until she came below the clouds and saw the school beneath her. She wasn’t surprised to be back but it shot a ricochet of pain through her as she hovered in the air. 

It was too early for the halls to be filled with more than a couple student there for morning practices or just waiting for the day to start. She let herself follow the paths that were so familiar. The science wing to the gym to the cafeteria to the parking lot. Present mixed with past as the sporadic cars shifted into Alex’s motorcycle, James’ mustang, Winn’s bug. And then everything is Lena. 

She sees the tree they would sit underneath during lunch, Kara’s back leaning against the rough bark that would inevitably end up coating her clothes in the reddish powdery substance the tree never seemed to run out of, and Lena leaning back against her nestled in-between her legs pretending to keep food from Kara until her whines won out and giggled abounded. 

The chemistry lab where Lena had valiantly volunteered to be partners with Kara even though it meant she would be listening to the never ending barrage of what was factually inaccurate or just utterly behind compared to Krypton’s discoveries. 

The courtyard they would meet in for a quick chat between classes that Kara casually superspeeded to for just the few extra seconds of Lena. 

The field behind the gym where they would lay in the grass and tell things to the sky because whether it was dreams, fears, or embarrassing stories sometimes it was easier when you were intermittently arguing about whether clouds were a pirate or a clown (always pirate by the way, clowns were terrifying and shouldn’t be allowed to “entertain” small children). 

Lena was everywhere in the school. In the town. 

Everywhere except where Kara needed her to be.  
She felt the tightening of her eyes and raced away from the school and toward the old junk yard that she used to use for practice controlling her powers or bouts of energy that needed to be expelled. She barely made it before the heat vision exploded from her eyes. 

She sliced cars in half with the scan of her head. She threw concentrated blasts at piles of rubbish and heard them explode. She ran to the pit that Lena had designed, Lena had bought out the entire property years ago when Kara lamented about not having a place to really hone her powers, that captured her heat vision so Kara could practice solar flaring and they could run tests on longevity. She screamed as she blasted as deep as she could. She felt the exhaustion overwhelm her as her heat vision finally blew out. 

 

When she fell to the ground this time it was with the jarring impact of someone not used to feeling the ground hit them back. 

 

How could Alex not have told her that Lena loved her romantically? She found out after that Alex had known since they were in high school. Had heard about the conversation in the library where Alex was trying her best to be a sister to Lena and show her kindness and acceptance. She loved that Alex had been there for Lena but she hated that she hadn’t told her. If she would have known sooner everything could have been different. 

She had thought for so long that Lena didn’t return her feelings and had made peace with it. She would never not want to be around Lena in whatever capacity made her most comfortable. But if she had known. 

How dare Alex keep that information when it was so important. 

 

She tried to hold onto her anger but it wasn’t genuine. She knew Alex was respecting Lena’s choices and even knew that Lena had begged her to not tell Kara. She knew Alex loved Lena. 

But Kara wanted the anger. She wanted to concentrate on the rage boiling her blood and the cathartic burn, even for a moment, that came with releasing it. But she had released it and now she was left with what was underneath. 

 

She wasn’t mad at Alex. She was so angry at Lena even without her powers she felt the world shift on the color wheel. She was angry that she pulled away. She was angry that she hadn’t told her what was happening. She was angry that she chose to hurt herself in a way that if she would have succeeded would hurt them so much more. 

She couldn’t hold onto being mad at Lena even if it was more justified. Which then circled back to her being mad at herself. This one felt right. She would be mad at herself for the rest of her existence. Below the self loathing was grief. Below everything else was the agony replicated once again but this time she didn’t have the phantom zone to create the illusion of distance. She had reality which left her with the gaping hole cut out of her where they used to fit together perfectly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has followed this story, and if you are new to it welcome!  
> Of course my eternal gratitude goes to spicycheeser. She has been there for last minute edits, minor freak outs, and moments of much needed support. Really she’s the best beta I could have asked for.  
> As always feel free to pop over to my tumblr (NataliaWhite92) to say hey, or for any questions or concerns.  
> See you in a week!


	4. Try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter you’ll see Lena going to college across the country, Kara soon following, both of them growing, and Alex being Alex in the most extra way possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s the fluff. So much fluff.

Despite Lillian’s apparent concern Lena has no problem getting into every college she applied to. And while the desire to be as far away from Midvale is near the top of the list of necessity when choosing her school, distance from Kara is miles above that. 

Alex similarly had her pick of colleges around the country but had decided to pursue premed at National City University. 

Lena knew being away from her sister was going to be difficult for Kara and did not want to add to her inevitable loneliness 

Winn would be the only other member of the superfriends, a name Kara and he both claim the origin of, and she can’t resist the urge to name them king and queen or dorkdom because of it. Mon-el was taking a travel year while deciding if he wanted to go to college at all. James has gotten a full ride to Berkeley to study photography and with Lena leaning toward an ivy on the East Coast Kara would be almost completely cut off from her friends and loved ones. 

“You can’t make this choice for me Lena”

“But I don’t want you to be alone”

“Hey!” An indignant Winn gestures to himself with an attempted look of offense. 

“Besides Winn of course.”  
“Well good thing for you I happen to have a lot of frequent flier miles.” 

Lena’s shoulders shake with the suppression of giggles as Kara tries to talk in code while they are in the cafeteria. 

“Kara” Alex warns, the stern look maring her face as her overprotective nature kicks in, though when it’s not going full force is anyone’s guess. 

“I just mean that you need to go where you will be happiest and I’ve seen the brochure from MIT in your room Lena. The pros list is so long you can’t even fit it on the page. This is your chance Lena. Don’t let it go just for me.”

In the end the decision had already been made, they were just trying to make peace with it. And Lena knew Kara was more upset than she was letting on.

Lena rapped her knuckles on the clipboard. She eyed the stopwatch with a frown as she glanced back down at the previous data. 

Quicker than her vision could track Kara shot past her, the momentum of her landing (almost crash but Lena got the pout when she pointed such things like that out and it honestly was hard enough to deny Kara normally so the puppy dog eyes really were unfair) causing Lena to lose balance. 

Before she could hit the ground Kara’s arms were around her, pulling her back upright. She quickly collected the papers whirlwinding around them but kept hold of Lena while she did it. Lena indulged herself a moment of leaning into the indestructible body of her best friend before pulling away. 

“Kara you were almost six minutes longer than any of the previous trial runs. Are you okay?” 

She did her best to assess Kara in a quick scan, noting the combination of black track pants and long sleeved under armour shirt that moulded itself to Kara like a second skin (a second unfair thing currently in Lena’s life but who was keeping score?) 

Her not so subtle wandering gaze of Kara did not go unnoticed by the Kryptonian, who smirked but also started to step back and forth on the balls of her feet, fidgeting with her glasses, and not meeting Lena’s eyes. 

“I’m fine Lena. Nothing happened, I just may have kind of gotten distracted a little bit.”

Lena rolled her eyes good naturedly as she leaned against the tree in their school parking lot and prepared herself for what was undoubtedly going to be some kind of ridiculous story. She mentally tried to come up with possibilities as to what had caught Kara’s ever wandering attention. She would put down a considerable bet that it had to do with either dogs or food. Or both. 

Both would definitely cause Kara to forget that they were in the middle of scientific data collection as to how long it took her to fly from Midvale to MIT taking a variety of different routes that had been rated on criteria such as least likely to be spotted, in and out of common flight plans that major airlines used, and different weather of regional areas. 

“Well see I was making really good time on route 7c, I really think I was going to beat my old record Lena! But then there were these geese migrating and you should have seen them Lena. The babies were just old enough to fly and they were in that perfect V shape that everyone always takes pictures of so I thought if I flew in really gently I could get a great picture from above but then they got scared and I felt so bad because they are just babies Lena. I mean the parents were probably there, I wonder how that works in regards to placement of parents or maybe the little ones fly together and the parents fly ahead to guide them. But what if they got lost?!? No they must all fly together. Anyways so I still wanted to take a picture but I had to wait until they got used to me so they wouldn’t keep trying to avoid me. But guess what! They still fly in a V even if they have to change course. Isn’t that so cool? So I got the picture but we really have to make sure that the routes we are making aren’t going to interfere with the migration patterns because it was their sky first and I don’t want to scare them.” 

Kara barely takes a breath the entire time she is rambling and Lena feels her cheeks heat at the pure adoration she feels for this alien. This ridiculously conscientious alien who is now holding out her phone to show her how cute the little geese are. And she knows that she will be spending the rest of today looking at common migration patterns of different birds because once they track geese Kara will insist on making sure she doesn’t harm any other animal in the sky. 

She reaches her hands out and places them on either side of Kara’s face pulling her closer. 

“Lena?”

“Tell me to stop.” 

“Please don’t do this if you’re not sure.” 

She answers by pressing her lips against Kara’s. It’s soft, tentative, but perfect. She feels Kara’s chapped lips from flying around the country not five minutes before. Neither of them move to deepen the touch but her hands stroke Kara’s face. She runs one down the slope of her cheek and feels it warm beneath her. She smiles into the kiss and can taste the reciprocation. Her eyes are closed but she’s seeing colors that never before existed. It’s nothing like when she kissed Veronica, there is no greed or sense of discomfort. She knows in this moment why she deprived herself of this for so long because from this moment on there is no turning back. 

She can’t tell if it’s been seconds or years when she draws back. Her breathing is unsteady but doesn’t feel the constriction in her chest she usually associates with anxiety, it’s anticipation swimming through her veins. 

Kara opens her eyes gently and for once Lena, who considers herself fluent in Kara, can’t tell what she is thinking. 

“Was that okay?”

“Rao Lena” Kara says around a exaltation of air 

“I’ve wanted you to do that for so long. But why? I didn’t think you liked me. Well I know you like me and that we are best friends, but best friend’s don’t kiss like that. I mean best friends probably don’t kiss at all unless on the cheek. Can you imagine me Winn kissing me on the cheek? It would be so funny…” She breaks off her ramble by once again kissing Kara, this time harder. 

Kara responds to Lena with enthusiasm and soon she is swept off her feet, literally. She feels her body pulled against Kara and pushes forward trying to erase any space between them. Kara’s arm is holding her, feet off the ground, as her other hand gently runs through her hair. 

She licks forward tentatively and feels the gasp as Kara welcomes her tongue. Kara tastes exactly how Lena imagined but impossible to describe. She explores her mouth learning which movement makes her breath catch, which stroke makes her gasp again (the sound quickly becoming the only thing Lena ever wants to hear for the rest of her life), and how the flick of her tongue and pull of her teeth makes Kara groan (she lied, this is the sound she wants to hear for the rest of her life). 

Kara’s reciprocation is more hesitant, even now she is allowing Lena to set the pace but her hands wander from grasping Lena’s hair just tight enough to smoothing down her back until both arms are wrapped around her waist pulling her ever closer. 

They break apart both panting and she sees the black of Kara’s blown pupil. 

“I love you.”

“Lena.” 

“Please.”

“I love you too. I love you so much Lena.” 

Kara pulls her close again but this time they just hold each other. There’s no urgency, the franticness they just displayed put to the side as they stand together. Lena doesn’t know what this means, what is going to happen, but she knows that some things you just can’t fight. Kara has always been her home. She tucks her head against Kara’s collarbone and lays a gentle kiss against the fabric of her shirt, feeling Kara’s arms tighten around her.

Not a lot changes between them. They had always been close in a way that maybe was them ignoring their feelings, maybe being in denial, maybe just never needing to put a label on their relationship. 

They didn’t announce it to their friends, and when it casually came out the reaction they saw the most was confusion, people had genuinely assumed they had been together for years. 

Alex, being the definition of extra, brought home a cake one night when Lena was lounging on the couch, pretending impatience at Kara’s reading over her shoulder and tsking when she tried to turn the page too soon. 

She presented it with a smirk and a wink, walking away as Kara sputtered and blushed all the way down to her chest, Lena loved when she wore the tank tops that simultaneously showed off her shoulders and chest. 

“Congratulations useless lesbians!” with a smiley face underneath was scrawled on a rainbow sprayed cake. 

“It’s useless bisexual Alex!” Kara yells before realizing what she is even trying to defend. She buries her head in the couch and tries to disappear as Alex and Lena laugh until they are crying. 

“I don’t think you’re useless love.”

“Lena you’re not helping” though grumbled and through an extra layer of pillows Lena can still make out the lightening of her voice before she pulls her head out and lays it in Lena’s lap. 

She runs her fingers through Kara’s hair reveling in the comfort of laughing fully and appreciates the ache. 

Packing her room is a strangely empty experience for Lena. She is not bringing much from the Luthor house with her across the country when she goes to college. She has some clothes that she could never leave behind, most of them Kara’s, books that have been professionally packed and shipped already, and will be waiting for her in her dorm room (a single of course with her not so subtle Kryptonian visiting all the time even if said Kryptonian thought she was stealth.) Lena had drawn the short straw in having the talk with Kara about her “ninja” flying suit. 

“Love, you have to find a different outfit when you come visit me.”

“Oh I know! Whenever I come I’m going to pack a bag that straps onto my back with a change of clothes so your friends don’t get suspicious.” 

Lena gets sidetracked for a little while kissing her thanks into Kara’s soft lips for believing she will have friends at college. 

“Kara I meant your flying suit.” She gently tells her while holding her hand and booping her nose. And really can she be blamed for following the boop with a kiss? 

“What do you mean?” Kara’s voice was wavering and Lena could feel that damn pout starting even if she didn’t look directly at it. 

But she was weak and when she did she got sidetracked again trying to kiss it away. Alex may have had a point in arranging it so Lena spoke to Kara about the suit, she thinks as she continues to kiss Kara in between trying to explain how a black dressed person flying back and forth across the country regularly would arouse suspicion eventually. 

“But I want to visit you Lena! What if you need me? Well I know you don’t need me but what if you get sad or lonely, or want to show me something? What if you get started talking all excitedly about something you’re learning in class and I miss the way your eyes light up so much I have to see them right then? What if you have a craving for that one place in France that you went on vacation with the Luthors once and you only want when you’re feeling that special kind of happy?” 

Lena kisses her for remembering. Lena kisses her for caring enough to listen. Lena kisses her because Kara is so happy for her and believes in her so much. And Lena kisses her because she knows that’s not all Kara is worried about. This is not where she figured this conversation was going to end up but she knows her girlfriend well enough to realize she is holding onto the reason that scares her most. 

“What if you forget me?” 

Lena is honestly gobsmacked for whole seconds before she reacts. How could Kara, wonderful, perfect, strong Kara ever worry about something like that? 

“Kara no,” Lena gently shushes drawing the blonde into her arms. In their years of friendship she can only think of a handful of times when their roles have been reversed and she mentally flagellates. But that can wait for later, Lena pulls herself into the present where she can feel Kara’s tears falling gently down her sternum and she is leaning completely into Lena, trusting her to hold her together this time. 

“Kara, baby, please look at me?” She coaxes when Kara’s crying has stopped. Kara does, her eyes still watering a little, making her look so beautiful. Lena reverently wipes the tear streaks from her face and kisses her forehead. 

“Kara, nothing in this world or any other could ever make me forget even a moment I have spent with you.”

“But you’re going away, and Midvale is so small, and you’re going to meet so many new and cool people and I’ll just be here missing you and you’ll realize that I’m just me and then you’ll be gone.”

“My beautiful girl, do you really think I’m ever going to meet someone who begins to be as special as you? You’re an alien Kara but that’s not why you’re the most unique person I’ve ever met. You are so strong when everything around you fell apart and you literally lost your world. You have more reasons than anyone to let go of your goodness, your light, and take it out on this world, with the powers to accomplish it as well.” 

Even before the disgruntled and unhappy frown could take root on her girlfriend’s face she kisses it away. 

“But you don’t, you would never even think to. When I say “I love you” it’s not because I want something from you. You give yourself in a million ways to everyone every single day. It’s not because I can’t have you, I would never claim ownership or possession on something that is freely yours to give. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, how you try. I love you Kara and that’s not going to change ever, no matter how far away we get.” 

Kara, who had been steadily crying through her speech, dissolved completely upon its’ completion. Lena held her, and gave the strongest person on this planet a little of her own strength. 

She kisses her to calm her down, she kisses her to soothe her, she kisses her to show her that she would never, could never, forget her. 

The rest of the summer before she left they spent everyday together, and at the end as Lena was getting ready to drive across country in a car that had been x-rayed so many times by her worrying girlfriend, Lena presented Kara with one last present. 

As she drove, she glanced up every couple miles to see the shifting figure above her in her newly finished reflective suit that made her look like a part of the sky. 

Lena found a freedom in college that she had never been able to achieve before in her life. She was still the youngest, by far, in all of her classes but here people didn’t seem to mind. Here her name was not an issue because no one asked for it. She was known more as a reliable study buddy, someone you could always ask to help explain some concept in more manageable language when the professors brushed past it with the assumption that came from teaching too many years, someone who always had coffee in her dorm room and enough snacks to feed a small army (or one often visiting Kryptonian). And most amazingly she wasn’t resented for her intelligence, people seemed genuinely thankful when she helped instead of jealous and cruel as they had her whole life. 

That’s not to say everything was always easy, because it wasn’t. There were those who did find out who she was and tried to use it against her. 

There were those who taunted her and tried to make her feel unsafe. 

There were those who resented her because of what she grew up with and how easy she was finding college.  
There were also those who defended her. 

Kara appeared one evening she was feeling particularly down. She didn’t knock anymore, after a long talk with Lena about Kara’s concerns about ignoring boundaries and consent she had started to come into her dorm room whenever she got there but reassured Lena that if there came a time when she didn’t want Kara to come in for any reason she could always tell her and know it would be respected. 

Lena was sitting on her bed with her engineering textbook open in front of her, twirling a yellow highlighter, and thoroughly ignoring her reading. 

“Lena?”

She looked over at her girlfriend, changing out of her suit and into something more comfortable before sitting gently on the edge of the bed and holding her hand out in question. 

“Kara.” She released the breath she was holding and tossed the highlighter to the floor. 

“What’s going on Lena? What do you need?” 

Kara always still asked her. Now it was different than when they were younger though. Before Lena had the hardest time naming what she was feeling, and still had a lot of moments where it still happened, but they didn’t debilitate her as they once did. Now, when Kara asked what she needed it wasn’t because she was worried Lena had forgotten to feed herself for days, laying in bed with sadness and forgetting hunger was a thing that she felt. It wasn’t because she was keeping an eye out for her balancing on the edge, not sure if she wanted to fling herself off of the side or crawl her way back toward life.  
When Kara asked now it was because this Lena wanted to dance when she was caught up on some problem in her advanced calculus class and moving her body helped clear her mind. This Lena loved to fly through the sky in her girlfriend’s arms when wondering about an astronomy principle because when the stars were this much closer they made more sense. This Lena wanted to cuddle and kiss and feel Kara close, not because she was worried she was losing feeling but because she had discovered how much she loved how sensitized Kara could make her. 

She loved to be close to Kara after they had been intimate in any way because after being as close as they could physically it took her mind a little time to catch up. So she lay next to Kara staring at the perfection that was her girlfriend and giggling when Kara unconsciously flexed whatever musculature she was staring at. 

She loved Kara so much and finally felt it when Kara said it back. She felt the words become part of her as Kara traced her ribs with her lips, she felt them in the way Kara still gasped when Lena took off her shirt. She felt them when Kara sucked marks into her inner thighs. She felt them in the looks that Kara gave her before touching her most private areas, always asking no matter how many times they were together. 

Kara loved her in so many little ways. Lena didn’t grow up understanding that showing was more important than words, but looking back she knew that she had been loved by Kara for almost as long as she had known her. 

“How did you know I needed you this time?” 

Lena would never dream to turn her girlfriend away but she had tried to become more aware of her tells, always feeling guilty that Kara dropped whatever she was doing to be there for her if she needed it. 

“You sighed so loud that last time that I couldn’t ignore it if I tried.” Kara’s smile made her laugh, even if she was looking a little sheepish as she glanced through her lashes at Lena with her head dipped down as if she was expecting a reprimand. 

“Kara, you can’t always come across the country whenever I sigh too loud. You have your own life.”

“I know I visit too much, but I miss you Lena. I can stay away if I’m intruding.” 

“No darling, you’re not intruding. And you’re always so considerate when I am with other people not to show up unannounced. But I’m worried that it’s too much for you. I don’t want to become something that you resent because you are always having to bail me out of one thing or another.” 

“I could never resent you Lena. I don’t come here because I think you need saving, we both know you’re strong enough not too. I come because I miss you, and yes I can hear your sighs and your heartbeat pick up sometimes when you’re upset. And I hear when you have nightmares which honestly Lena those scare me too so really I come to make us both feel okay, that sounded a little selfish didn’t it? Anyways. I come because I love you and miss you and want to be around you.”

“I miss you too. All the time Kara, and I love seeing you so often I just want us to keep talking about it so it doesn’t become a problem.” 

“I love talking. I’ll always talk to you.” Kara shot a smile that reached all the way to her eyes at her to let her know that she was taking her serious and also that she had been honest in her appraisal of her. 

Lena finally kissed her, pulling her closer by the hand that Kara had been playing with while they talked. She was also so gentle but responsive when Lena pushed for something more. Kara welcomed her tongue into her mouth, sucking and groaning as Lena started to stroke her own. 

Hands went to shirts and slipped beneath. Scars and beauty marks were explored and worshipped. Clothes were lost and covers kicked aside. They came together with the practice of many times before but still the feelings of excited anticipation that came from the fires inside them. 

Afterwards Lena lay with her back pulled tight against Kara’s front. She had long lost the fight about being the little spoon, one she hadn’t even put much into beyond enjoying watching the crinkle make an appearance, because there was nowhere she felt safer than in Kara’s arms. She slowly stretched her muscles, loving the slight soreness. A leg was draped over her hip and the heat she could feel from Kara completely enveloping her was almost enough to let her drift off into sleep, until her stomach grumbled so loudly even if her partner was a human she would be awoken by it. 

Kara gripped her tighter for a moment as she came back to consciousness and Lena sighed a completely different type of sigh than earlier and scooched herself even closer to Kara behind her.

“Lena, if you wiggle yourself like that I am going to forget I just heard your stomach practically shouting at you to give it sustenance.”

“But Kara,” Lena whined as she wiggled her butt a little more, “I just ate.” 

She could feel the heat coloring Kara as she started laughing and rolled over to face her hugely blushing girlfriend. 

“Lena!” 

This time she wiggled her shoulder, making her breasts brush against Kara’s as she kissed her collarbone one last time before getting up. 

She felt Kara’s eyes tracking her as she extricated herself from the arms of her favorite person and started the mammoth task of finding all of their clothes. Kara may be unbelievably gentle when they were together but Lena always wondered if she put a little extra strength than necessary in when tossing aside Lena’s clothes in an attempt to undress her as fast as possible. This had lead to many times where random articles of clothing ended up on top of bookshelves across the room, hanging from ceiling fans, and once to the supreme embarrassment of them both out the open window and into a bush below. Lena still heard people wondering who in the dorm spent so much money on panties when they were willing to just toss them out the window and never retrieve them. 

Kara’s eyes traced her naked body and she felt herself ignite all over again but she could hear both of their stomachs protesting the last few hours without food, longer for Lena but really her stomach should be used to her forgetting meals at this point. Kara’s need to eat every couple hours had Lena eating more this past year than ever before.

“Stop looking at me like that Kara.” Lena almost begged, trying and failing to sound stern as she pulled on yoga pants and started to clip on her bra. 

“I can’t help it. Rao Lena, you’re just so beautiful.”

Lena blushed and threw Kara’s sweatpants at her. No matter how many times Kara worshiped her body with words and tongue and teeth, she still had a hard time seeing what Kara did. She knew she wasn’t bad to look at, and also how to use her assets best when dressing, blame the Luthor conditioning and access to personal stylists. But Kara was a literal goddess. She was perfect and Lena couldn’t help be aware of her stomach, and thighs, and hips that contrasted so much with Kara’s tight muscles and athletic body. 

Kara had come up to her as she got lost in her thoughts and she only noticed when she brought her chin up with a delicate finger to look her in the eyes. 

“Never doubt how gorgeous you are Lena. I’ve been to worlds all across this and other galaxies and have never met someone as beautiful as you.” 

She kissed reassurance into her cheeks, her nose, her eyes, and finally her lips. The coming together of their lips soft but perfect. Her shoulders relaxed and she pulled back to a smiling Kara. A Kara who looked at her with no doubt in her eyes, who made it her mission to make Lena see herself as she did and never got annoyed having to remind her sometimes. 

“I love you.” 

“I love you too, and as sad as it is for me to say put a shirt on because I am hungry.” 

Lena did as she was told with mutters of Kryptonian metabolism and impatience. She grabbed Kara’s hand and wove their fingers together as they left her dorm room to find something to eat. 

Lena walks by the student health center everyday on her way to her biology lab. She sees the flyers in different colors announcing not only the different services they offer but also just welcoming anyone who wants to learn more. She sees the steady stream of people go in and out of the center and wonders why they are there.

Lena has always had a top-notch general practitioner as well as a slew of specialists for any medical needs that have arisen over the years. One of the perks of being a Luthor was the assurance that no problem could not be solved because of financial need. Except for those that had to do with mental health. 

Lena had come far since she started trying to rebuild herself and her relationships after she tried to take her own life. It had been more work than she would have thought herself possible of. She still had those feelings inside her and couldn’t name them when it got bad but the thing that had helped the most was no longer trying to carry them by herself. She let Kara in after she was released from the hospital and found that when she did a lot of parts became easier. She hated to think she got wrapped up in the negative connotation that surrounds mental illness in a perpetuating cycle of shame and isolation. She knew that she needed help and had to stop herself from being too harsh when criticizing herself for letting it get to that point. 

Alex had also done what she could to help build her a support system. They didn’t have the relationship that Alex and Kara did but Alex had never treated her differently after she pulled away. Instead Alex became another person she could trust and rely on. 

They talked about things Kara didn’t understand, having her formative years happen on another planet. Kara had spent the first half of her life on a planet that matched people with their most ideal mate and no one blinked an eye when that person was one of the same gender. Kara hadn’t been marinated in a culture of over sexualization and didn’t have to try to figure out things about yourself when there was no one to ask. Even though everywhere you turned there was explicit images and options but people still didn’t talk about it in an honest and open way. 

Kara listened to them talk sometimes but mostly used the time to go practice her powers at the junkyard or go to the fortress of solitude. Lena loved her time with Kara but also appreciated having these kind of blunt conversations with Alex where she didn’t need to explain the context of things and Alex picked up on one point and moved onto the next, having felt or experienced similarities. There was something about talking to someone who just understood. 

Lena also worked on trying to figure some things out within herself. She found that the safety Kara and Alex wrapped her in allowed her to touch things within herself that had been too frightening to think about alone. But she knew that even with all the progress she had made she couldn’t afford to become complacent. 

She still felt the leaching of color from some mornings when she woke up and the sunrise seemed a little less bright. She still felt herself leaving conversations behind because she couldn’t manage to put forth the energy of staying present in that moment. She still had some days where she didn’t want to get out of bed or moments when she wondered what the point of going to class was. 

Lena pushed the doors of the health building open and joined the line of students who were waiting to be signed in at reception. She tried not to be overly aware of people looking at her but couldn’t help feel the eyes. Was that girl taking a picture of her or just checking her facebook? Did those eyes get big on the boy in the corner because he thought her attractive or because he knew who she was and was going to out her attempt to get help? Lena felt her breathing start to pick up and her palms started to tingle. 

She pulled her phone out of her back pocket and typed a message to Kara letting her know she was safe and she would call her when she could but she didn’t need her to come out right now. 

Kara sent back a red heart and words of support and love but Lena barely looked long enough to send a purple heart back and turn off her phone. She started tapping numbers into her thumb with her pinky 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13… 

Right after she had gotten out of the hospital Kara barely left her side for days. She attended to Lena’s needs before she even had to ask, bringing her water, juice, and nutrition shakes the first couple days because her throat was too sore for real food. She took long walks with her to get her out of the house or sat and read to her when she got too tired to do anything but lay on her bed. She held her hand when she needed physical touch and was near her when she didn’t want it. She was with her at night when she fought sleep because she didn’t want to have the nightmares and see Kara’s betrayed face anymore and held her when she woke up and couldn’t breathe. Kara was everywhere and finally Lena broke. 

“Kara you can’t watch me all the time! I’m not going to try to kill myself because you go to school or go home for a little while! I hate when you look at me like that. I don’t need your pity nor you feeling sorry for me. So stop!”

Kara didn’t move for a long moment. Lena’s breathing was pushing out of her lungs angrily as she watched the blonde vacillate between hurt, a little of her own anger, and regret. Kara dropped Lena’s clothes that she had washed and was carefully putting away and she took off through the window faster than Lena’s eyes could track. 

This is what you wanted, she berated herself harshly as she sat down on her bed, her legs all but giving out. You wanted her to leave you alone and give you space. But not like this, the other kinder part of herself reminded her. You shouted at her, you yelled in her face and made her feel bad about caring about you. She was going to leave anyways, might as well be now. 

The thoughts continued to swarm and draw her world smaller until they were all that was there. They were all she could hear and impossible to ignore. She couldn’t remember what she promised Kara anymore, she couldn’t remember anything but the darkness getting closer and closer and the nothingness wanting to swallow her whole.

“Breathe Lena, it’s going to be okay. Listen to my voice and breathe.” 

She felt her hand be placed on a chest and the warmth that meant someone was touching her in the same place. She tried to concentrate on her breathing which, after long minutes, started to match that of the example set for her. 

When she felt more in control she opened her eyes against the harshness of the light only to see they had been dimmed and her room was only lit by a soft glow of a candle. 

“Kara?” Her voice cracked a little as she took in her best friend whom she had just tried to push away, back and looking at her not with the judgment but with concern and kindness, the same as before all of this happened. 

“I’m sorry, Kara please don’t leave me again. I didn’t mean it. Please.” 

“Shhh it’s okay Lena, I’m not leaving. Breathe please.” She begged as she pulled her hand off Lena’s chest and held it out. Lena grabbed onto it and desperately gripped, trying not to let herself get upset again. 

“Do you want me to touch you or not right now?”

“Please hold me.” 

She felt arms pull her closer and Kara held onto her, rubbing her back as she leaned against the dresser next to Lena’s bed. Lena tried to relax but her heart was still racing and there was so much she needed to say. 

“Lena can you tell me five things you hear right now?” 

Lena looked up at her and Kara just smiled encouragingly and continued to rub her from her shoulders to the base of her spine. 

“You don’t have to say them out loud if you don’t want to but just find five things you hear okay?”

“I hear your heartbeat under my ear, I hear the water dripping in the bathroom, I hear your breathing, I hear my breathing, I hear the birds outside.” 

“Good job Lena. Good girl. Okay now four things you see.” 

Then three things she felt, two things she smelled, and finally one she tasted. 

By the time she told Kara she tasted salt, realizing it was from her own tears, she had calmed down and relaxed into Kara’s arms. 

“Where did you learn to do that?”

“Alex used to do it with me when I first came to Earth. Everything was so loud, and bright, and just too much that sometimes I felt like I couldn’t take it. I was so overwhelmed before Alex and Jeremiah taught me how to tune things out. But before that Alex would come into the closet with me and pile blankets over me and sit there. She would make me concentrate when it got too bad. She helped ground me.”

Lena made the mental note to give Alex an extra hug next time she saw her. She was in awe of the redhead, so much responsibility on her shoulders, so many reasons to resent this interloper from space when she literally crashed into their lives, but the best older sibling anyways. Even when she was being annoyingly overprotective of Kara sometimes or doing things just to mess with her. 

“I’m sorry I sent you away.” 

“No Lena, I’m sorry I was hovering. But I promise I wasn’t doing it out of pity. I know I don’t have to watch you all day but being without you is hard right now. It’s not fair of me to make you feel like you are being watched and judged though. I’m sorry.” 

“You didn’t do anything wrong Kara, I did. I don’t want you to leave either. I just don’t want you to be doing this because you think you need to. Because you should have made me not do it last time. It wasn’t your fault Kara, and as sorry as I am I ever did it the worst was you thinking it was your job to prevent it.”

“I’m your best friend Lena. I should have seen it and I didn’t. I can’t believe I almost lost you because I wasn’t paying enough attention.” 

“Kara, it wasn’t about you. Or for you to stop. I am glad that I didn’t die, I don’t want to die. I didn’t even really want to die when I took those pills. It wasn’t about killing myself. I wasn’t thinking about it like that at all. I just wanted things to stop, I wanted to feel but also to stop feeling at the same time. I’m not explaining this right.” 

“And you don’t have to Lena. You don’t have to make me feel better by giving me an explanation.”

“I want you to understand but I still don’t really.” 

“That’s okay, it’s okay if you can never explain it to me but I want to help you anyways. Any way that I can. But you have to talk to me Lena. Please tell me when you want me to go or stay or you need something. Please.” 

“I’m trying.” 

“I know, you are doing so good Lena. You are so good Lena.” 

It wasn’t the last time they talked about it, or even the last time Lena lost her control and yelled at Kara about something, but it got easier. 

Lena brought herself back to the moment and internally did the senses exercise that Alex had taught Kara. She used it often when she was feeling things start to get out of control. When it was her turn she had made the mental note to change her toothpaste because upon arriving at taste she realized she didn’t actually like the flavor of it anymore. 

She signed her name, the Luthor with less flourish than she once had, and moved to sit in an unfortunately patterned and uncomfortable looking chair in the waiting area. 

She liked the woman that she had been seeing for the past couple months. She was approachable and understanding. She talked to Lena with kindness but also didn’t allow her to fall back on her usual practice of avoidance and minimization that had been her go to for as long as she could remember. 

“Why don’t we start by talking about your brother today Lena.”

“I don’t really see the point of doing that. He’s a mass murderer who is rotting in prison along with all the other men who thought themselves too important to get caught, or that causalities were worth it if the ends justified the means.” 

“Lena,” Pamela cautioned. She let Lena lead her therapy sessions to a certain degree but was quick to pull her away from the much used trails that they were working together to repattern. 

“What? You want me to tell you about how he beat up some kid at school when I was six because he called me a bitch everyday and I didn’t know what it meant but I knew from the way he said it that it was mean? You want me to tell you about how Lillian never blamed him for anything and showered him with gifts that he would save and hide so that I had something special to open on my birthday? You want me to tell you how he was the one who taught me some of the most important lessons growing up and wonder if you should be worried because I still use those lessons now and they must be corrupting me as they did him?”

“I want to listen to anything you want to tell me. Lena, it’s okay to be angry at his actions and his choices but still love him because he was your brother. We don’t stop caring about someone just because we think we should. That’s not how feelings work, and I think you know as well as I do that if it was you would have stopped that day.”

“I was a child ‘that day.’ I am a grown adult now and know better.” 

“You can’t be angry at yourself for your feelings. That’s not going to help you deal with them, and you have to realize that since you never dealt with those feelings the revisiting is like going back to that time in your life. You were a child, and an isolated one at that with the way you grew up. Lex was kind to you, he helped you build things but also protected you and taught you how to be strong. Don’t hate yourself for loving him but realize that the person you loved is gone. You love the idea and memory of him but you need to grieve the person he became.”

Lena did grieve. She grieved in that room as she tried not to hate the tears slipping down her face as a show of weakness. She grieved when she reminded herself that Lillian is not who she should be modeling herself after anymore but it’s still hard sometimes. She grieved when she left a particularly difficult therapy session and walked into Kara’s embrace without saying a word. Lena grieved for the little girl who was mistreated and hurt, for the little boy who might have been saved if he had not been born into the Luthor family, for the people who lost loved ones because hers decided his vendetta was more important than anything else. Lena grieved and she learned that not only did she feel the weight of her guilt lightening but also that she was able to help put herself back together instead of letting other people do it for her. 

Kara got into MIT and instead of listening to Alex’s arguments about the merits of National City University started trying to turn them around and convince Alex that her transferring made more sense since it was now two against one. Alex resisted, her main argument being that if she stayed where she was at there was a lot less chance of her walking in on Kara and Lena (as had happened more than once to Alex and Kara’s abject horror). Lena got a double room the next year and she and Kara finally got the chance to live together, their trial run they joked. 

Lena continued seeing her therapist. Pamela, who had gotten to know her even better therefore not allowing her to not do the work even more, had become a good friend and trusted confidant to Lena. Though they kept their relationship professional she couldn’t help but wonder about having met her in a different circumstance and regret that they would never be equal friends. But she was working wonders with Lena inside of the therapy room and Lena was grateful for her all the time. 

Kara started exploring vigilantism. She finally won the argument about helping people dressed in her ninja outfit because if she wore the reflection suit people would eviscerate her with the nicknames. Clark had almost been the blur at one point and she shuttered to imagine what they would come up with for her. She didn’t dive too deep and only helped when really necessary, a deal her and Alex had made about Kara finishing school before becoming a superhero still in place from almost a decade ago. 

People continued to say things about Lena and her family but she was doing her best not to internalize it as she used to. She knew that part of being adopted by the Luthors was notoriety. The cruel reminders were overwhelmed by the positivity that Lena had in her life. 

She was making her way quickly through her double major and on the fast track to get her PhD around the same time Kara finished her own degree, having chosen to pursue journalism instead of science with which she had a natural affinity. Journalism fit better though. There was no one who could make a more positive impact and fight for the little man than Kara who saw the good in all situations and always wanted to help. This was her way of breaking the mould of legacy that had come before her just as Lena was trying to do. 

Some days were still rough but that could be said about anybody. Lena now had the tools and support system in place to mitigate the darkness that had once threatened to end her life. So when someone tried to hurt her with their words, or her feelings got too much, or the voices that had whispered the long list of why she shouldn’t be here got too loud she would go to Kara and let her center her. 

“I will try to not let them in.” 

The first time she had told Kara this it had spawned into a mantra for her. One she had used for years. Now it was a repetition that brought her comfort. She no longer needed to whisper it like a prayer, but say it as a reassurance instead.  
___________________________________________

Kara wishes she could stop remembering. She wishes she could stop feeling the ghost of touches on her body. Lena’s lips pulling her away from the homework she should be doing. The noises that became her world when she was close to coming undone. The tightening of her stomach when Lena’s fingers plunged into her. 

Memories of Lena surround her and as much as she tries to fight it she gives in. College made Lena blossom in all the ways she didn’t know she wanted. She was happy there. Lillian couldn’t touch her and though over the years she made appearances and Lena had to go back home to fulfil her obligatory duties of being a Luthor she never fell back into the despair that Kara had found in the hospital that day. 

They lived together the three years they were at MIT and when Lena had finished her degrees and found her place in a cancer research lab following college everything seemed to fall into place. 

Their love for each other, so many years ignored, built and Kara wondered how she had ever thought she could live without this person as her partner. She knows she would have found a way but she would have been unwhole. To not know the feeling of being loved by Lena Luthor completely and without restrictions would have been a travesty and she lets the past wash over her. 

Kara has been able to become her own person outside of the shadow that weighed her down cast by Kal. She missed Alex everyday but like when Lena went away, Alex just a few minute flight. She had learned to control her powers back in Midvale but in college she learned to implement them. She kept her promise to Alex and her heroics were only done when necessary. The school newspaper reported on her as a vigilante and as much as that didn’t mesh with how she saw herself she knew she had time later and really should be concentrating on school right now. 

She had time. She stopped seeing things in the narrowed perspective that had ruled her life in Midvale. She stopped counting the days since Lena had tried to hurt herself and instead looked toward the future. A future that seemed attainable, a future with Lena. 

She loved her with her whole heart and was so proud of her everyday. Proud that she was getting help, proud that she was trying, and proud that she seemed to shed the weight of the Luthor name that had crushed her. 

She knew that Lena wasn’t fixed, the connotation that one could or needed to be fixed set her in a rage even now. But Lena was working every day to make herself happy and there was nothing more Kara wanted. 

She found that since she had the option to be close to her in this new way meant that they were almost always touching each other. A brush of Lena’s cheek when she got up to get water. A soft kiss as one of them went to class. Coming up behind her when she was making dinner to feed an army and wrapping her arms around her, head sitting on her shoulder as she tried to not drool. The tickling that drew giggles that made her smile until her cheeks hurt. The moans of sucking on the place where neck met shoulder. Every little touch igniting them both. 

Kara had gotten complacent in her happiness. She had believed they had time and stopped watching for signs as she had done back home. She had let Lena down in a myriad of ways and when everything fell apart she had only her own selfishness, her own ignorance to blame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks always to SpicyCheese of course. Thank you also to everyone who has stuck around for this journey, I hope you liked this chapter. And welcome to anyone who is new to the story!  
> Feel free to comment or ask questions either here or on my tumblr (Nataliawhite92).


	5. Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena and Kara move to National City after college.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adhere to the trigger warnings guys. This is the most brutal chapter by far.

Moving back to National City after they had both finished college was not an easy decision for them. 

Lena had come to love the East Coast. She loved the seasons, the way the trees changed, the way the snow made the city stop, the summers that didn’t act as though they were out to get her with never ending rays that burned her skin and made her ache watching her friends from the shadows. She loved the places that had become theirs. The parks where they would walk holding hands when they weren’t ready to go back to the dorms yet. The café where the baristas knew Lena’s order before she even got to the front, who had stopped asking if she was feeding an army when she requested one of each pastry but smirked instead. The restaurants that ranged from upscale when they wanted to be fancy (and Lena covered the bills), to the hole in the walls that made the most authentic foreign cuisine for dirt cheap and had adequate serving sizes. 

She loved her therapist, whom she had stopped seeing as frequently but still had appointments with once a month to maintain the progress she had made. She had come here when she needed an escape but it had turned into home with Kara. 

She also knew it was hard for Kara to be away from her sister for four long years. They visited as often as they could, and talked on the phone every Wednesday for sister’s night where Lena tried to not get drawn into their banter about cop dramas and their tendency to queerbait (a word Lena was forced to add to her internal dictionary after a two hour long rant from Kara in regards to someone named Jane and her soulmate that never happened. Mona something or other.) But with school and Kara’s still on the downlow heroics, and Alex’s acceptance into the FBI academy which had brought her closer while she trained at Quantico but then further again when she was stationed in National City afterwards, Lena saw it start to weigh upon her girlfriend. 

She might have never had the sibling relationship that Alex and Kara did but she understood even from a distance how much they needed each other. 

They had fought about it and avoided it as the final semester drew to a close but in the end it was inevitable even if Kara thought Lena was being self sacrificing.

“You can’t just pretend like this is what you want Lena!”

“I do want this Kara. I want you to be with Alex again, and it’s not like we are moving back to Midvale. National City is an acceptable distance and I already put in for a transfer to a lab there. It’s done.”

“We are in a relationship Lena. You can’t be making unilateral decisions for the two of us. I know you did it for me but that still doesn’t make it okay.” 

“Of course I did it for you Kara! Don’t say that like it negates all the other reasons we should go back. Your internship is there, I have a place to work that’s just like where I am here, Alex is there, and now your family is so much closer! It makes sense. I don’t know why you are fighting me on this when I know that’s where you want to go. And I don’t want to be here without you. Do you want me to stay?” 

The bluster faltered on the last sentence and Lena’s shoulders caved in as she struggled to keep the fear out of her voice. 

“Rao no Lena. No.” Kara stopped pacing and came slowly toward her, hesitant in her approach to give Lena time to tell her to stay away if she needed space. 

Lena took a step closer to Kara and that was all the blonde needed before pulling Lena in and placing a kiss on the top of her head. Lena took a minute to focus on the feel of Kara holding her, the heat that started to envelope her after being drawn tight against her, the breaths she felt against her forehead as Kara too tried to gain control of herself. 

“Lena?” 

Lena didn’t look up, hoping Kara would pull her chin up in the way she loved, the way that made her feel like it was important to Kara that she looked at her when she had something to say. And Kara, seeming to always know what Lena needed, did just that. She placed one finger gently on Lena’s chin, the other still stroking her head. 

She looked up and into the eyes of the person she loved so much, the person who taught her how to love. She saw the blues start to swim in moisture and she gripped her tighter around the waist. 

“Lena, I never want to be without you. I’m sorry if I made you feel like that for even a second. I’m so sorry that you are feeling worried about something that I will do everything to make sure never happens. I just don’t want you to do something that will hurt you just to try to make me happy. I can find a job out here, and as much as I would love being closer to Alex even if we move I don’t know how much I’ll be seeing her with her secret job and all.” 

Lena waited, she knew that Kara wasn’t done yet. She could see herself gearing up for whatever part she wanted to say that wasn’t coming out as easily. 

“Lena you are the most important person in my life. These last few years have been more than I could have imagined. I have been so happy and a huge part of that is seeing you happy. I don’t want us to move back there if it’s going to be harder for you. I know how strong you are Lena, Rao, you show me all the time. So please don’t see this as me doubting that. I just want you to continue to be happy.” 

“I’m happy with you.” 

“As am I. Even when you steal my potstickers or make me eat Kale, which really Lena is the devil’s food and I don’t know why you keep trying to sneak it in. I can always tell! But really, I love you and want to be wherever you are.” 

“That’s why I want to move Kara. You are my home. I know if things get hard we can come back here, or move anywhere else. But I want to do this, not just for you, I need to see if I can do it too. I don’t want to keep letting fear control my life Kara, and not moving back there when it makes the most sense would be doing just that.” 

Kara leaned forward, stopping so close to Lena that she could taste her on her lips. She always waited, was so patient, and considerate with Lena all the time. Lena fell deeper in love in these moments of softness. The strongest person in the world always being so soft for her. She pushed forward until their lips came together. They didn’t open themselves up for any more than just kissing each other. Letting their closeness comfort both of them. 

“What do you say we order in, turn on a movie, and cuddle on the couch tonight?”

“Oh but Kara, you said you wanted to go to that exhibit opening tonight.”

“All I want to do is hold you, watch you eat something that is not green, and maybe cop a little feel if you let me.” 

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure Lena. I don’t want to be around people right now. This is perfect, just me and you. Is that okay?”

“That’s exactly what I want. I’m going to go shower, you order the food.”

“Yes ma’am.” 

“And Kara,” Lena threw over her shoulder as she started disrobing on her way to the bathroom, feeling Kara’s eyes track each inch of skin that was getting exposed, “If you eat a salad I’ll let your hands wander anywhere they want.” 

She hears the groan as she sashays herself into the bathroom and laughs, enjoying the win. 

They make the arrangements to stay in Boston until the end of summer. They rent a one-bedroom apartment and spend more time out of it than in it. They travel to all the places that they haven’t had time to while they were studying. 

All the way to Maine, where Kara makes Lena try lobsters because “It would be illegal not to Lena!” Down to Florida where Lena has to persuade Kara not to try to “accidentally” blow over a business over that offers chances to wrestle crocodiles. She finds it as abhorrent as Kara though so she buys them out and turns it into a sanctuary where the animals can live out their lives in comfort after being used for sport. 

Kara gets a job at a little paper, just for the experience, and mostly spends her time getting coffee for everyone. She jokes that it will be good practice for when she’s Cat Grant’s assistant and Lena doesn’t have the heart to tell her there is nothing that is going to help, besides her superpowers, when it comes to Ms. Grant. Lena continues to work in her lab but with much reduced hours so Kara and her can spend as much time together before this new chapter of their life begins. 

She leaves notes for Kara whenever she leaves the apartment before her. Or when she’s going to be home after Kara. Or when she just wants to tell her she loves her. Or when her outfit looks particularly good. Really she is finding the excuses harder and harder to come up with but the looks on Kara’s face when she sees her reading them is worth all the saccharine feelings of being “that couple.” 

Kara had been teaching her Kryptonian for years now and while Lena had a decent grasp on the spoken language, the writing was much more difficult to master. But Lena had never met a challenge she didn’t face and overcome so she practiced until she had it mastered. 

She practiced with her little notes and harped on Kara to correct her always, and be cute after. 

It wasn’t long before Lena decided they needed more of a challenge and she started weaving Sanskrit into the Kryptonian, creating a language unique to them. 

“But Lena, why would we ever need to have our own secret language. Only a few people speak Kryptonian anymore.” 

“Situations may arise Kara, and you’ll be glad for my preplanning.” 

She proved herself right when Kal and Lois came to visit them (Kara mostly) because Lois had a story she was following on the East Coast. 

While Kal and Kara’s relationship had gotten a lot better over the years, it was still hard for them to spend time together without a buffer. Kara wanted to share Krypton with Kal but he seemed awkward at best, disinterested at worst. Lena also suspected Kara wanted an apology for the way things had turned out, but knew that she would never ask for one, seeing the whole thing as irrational. She squeezed her hand under the table as the thought crossed her mind and Kara smiled at her. 

“You two really are gross sometimes.” 

“Lois,” Kal warned. 

“Like the whole Lois Lane/ Superman bridal carry, bombarding all my screens as a child, thing didn’t get old.” 

Kara squeezed her hand but Lena continued to stare Lois down. This hadn’t been the first time they had met. On the contrary, Lois had been around a lot in the months before and after Lex’s arrest. Lois had never spoken her distrust of Lena out loud but she had always felt it. 

“We are the pinnacle of propriety when he is in the suit. Unlike some people sitting before me who have scarred pretty much all their friends with their inability to keep hands from straying in far too public places.” 

Kara’s blush stained her entire face, and Lena was willing to bet far below her neck as well. 

“Kara doesn’t have a suit, and we’re in love Lois. If you need any pointers about intimacy with a Kryptonian I’m sure I can spare a few tips.” 

This time the “Lena” from Kara’s mouth was squeaked out but covered by Lois’ full laugh. 

“You’ve always had spunk little Luthor, I’ll give you that. And we definitely don’t have problems in that department but I’d love to compare details anyways.” She said with a wink. 

Usually any reference of her last name was met with a flinch from Lena but this time it felt like a badge of honor after passing some kind of test. 

Kara and Kal were very intentionally trying to not make eye contact with anybody. At Lena’s squeeze of her hand she turned toward her. 

Lena reached forward to draw their faces together and gave Kara a chaste kiss. 

“I’m sorry for embarrassing you my love. It’s just so much fun to tease you, especially when your cousin blushes as hard as you. I would have never guessed Kryptonians to be such prudes.” 

“I’m not a prude.” Kara mumbled. 

“Oh I know. I mean just last night you were wanting to take me in the taxi after…” 

She was cut off by a more urgent kiss, one probably meant to quiet her even though she knew neither Kal nor Lois could understand them. It did the trick and when Lena pulled back it was to the glare of Lois and the blush of Kal. 

“That wasn’t Kryptonian was it?” Lois asked, her eyes alighting with curiosity and Lena knew she was not the only human who had spent a considerable amount of time learning the dead language for the alien she loved. 

“It started as Kryptonian.” 

“I’m not even going to ask. Now can you two keep your hands off each other long enough for us to order? I don’t go to places where they don’t list the prices on the menu often and I don’t want to have to wait all night for you two to cool it.” 

The summer ended and they made their way back towards home. Kara’s life became all consumed by being on Ms. Grant’s most dialed list. Lena found that after a little bit of a rocky start with her new lab she fell into place and gelled well with the other scientists there. They were focusing more on applicable treatments for cancer than where she had come from and she dove in willingly. 

Alex became a staple in their life, as much as possible, and Lena found that she too had missed the woman who had been more of an older sibling than Lex had in years. Kara and her made a game out of trying to get Alex to disclose details about what she was working on, or where she disappeared to. While they all knew Kara could find out in about a day if she really wanted to, they enjoyed making up suggestions more ridiculous than the last. 

Lillian was in and out of the city frequently. She was still in charge of running LuthorCorp, which had been trying to open a branch in National City since it’s Metropolis holdings had been devastated after Lex’s attack. She had yet to be contacted by her but Lena knew it was only a matter of time before that would change. 

Lillian approached her when she was leaving her apartment (late but really everyone she was meeting should be used to her getting lost in work by now and she was only an hour late at this point so she was doing good by her past standards.) She was meant to meet up with Winn and James who had been visiting as James interviewed at Catco. The couple trying to decide if the move would work for both of them and their newly adopted son. 

“Lena, isn’t it a little early to have left work?”

“Mother, my work practices and life in general are of no concern to you. Why are you here?”

“Is it so hard to believe that while I happened to be in town I wanted to come check on my daughter?”

“I’m only your daughter when you want something. Just ask so I can say no and we can both go on with our nights.” 

“Still the ungrateful child trying to pretend you’re tough. I know how weak you are, had to pay a sizeable sum to make sure no one else found out.”

Lena flinched. She tried not to but at the mention of her suicide attempt she involuntary lost the battle in an attempt to hide her feelings. 

Lillian smirked but didn’t say anything. 

“I am hosting a fundraiser and it is proving difficult to gain the interest I am looking for.”

“So you want me to host it with you to try to assuage the fears that are justifiably arising about your loyalties still lying with your murderous son.”

“Don’t you dare speak about your brother like that. My darling boy was trying to rid the earth of the alien scum that are a threat to us all.”

“Careful mother. Your true colors are showing and there’s always the chance in this day and age that someone is recording our conversation.”

Lillian didn’t react but with the minute widening of her eyes. 

“You are still a Luthor and this is your duty to the family.”

“We didn’t have a family mother, we had a house that was run by cruelty and neglect.”

“Always with the dramatics Lena. I came here as a favor to you instead of just sending the details to that assistant of yours but I see now this was a waste of time. Don’t be late and find something to wear that doesn’t bring such attention to how much you’ve let yourself go.” 

She turned on her heel and walked away without looking back, not that Lena was expecting her to. 

She let out a less measured breath and allowed herself a quick shake of her hand to dispel nerves. She couldn’t let herself actually feel what had happened until she was off the street. She knew that she wouldn’t really until Kara and her were back at home. She knew that Kara would be listening in after her adrenaline spiked upon seeing her mother. 

“I’m okay love.” She spoke softly feeling her chest expand a little more as she thought of Kara listening. 

“I’m coming over but I need to wait for my driver. I don’t think I should be driving right now.”

She felt the vibration in her pocket and was unsurprised to see Kara’s name pop up on her screen. Behind her name was the photo of Kara snuggled up behind her taken over her shoulder one day when she woke up. The image always made her heart squeeze and the familiar comfort was enough to let her relax into herself as she picked up the phone. 

“Lena! Are you really okay? Do you want me to come get you? I’m going to come get you. I love you and I’ll be there in a minute.” 

“I love you too Kara. I’ll text Marcus and let him know.”

“I love you. Gotta fly.”

As Lena hung up she couldn’t help but smile at Kara’s terrible puns. She also knew that Kara had probably said that one for her but with her she couldn’t be sure. The woman unironically still said golly so who really knew?

Kara arrived almost as she hung up and forcefully slowed herself down before she collided with Lena. As she skidded to a stop Lena walked forward to meet her. Without her permission she sped up as she got closer until her last few steps were far beyond the brisk pace she usually set for herself. 

She crashed into Kara, who automatically absorbed the impact to avoid Lena bruising herself on accident. 

“Oh my Lena. You were so strong. I’m so proud of you. I’ve got you baby. I’m here.”

Kara rubbed her hand up and down Lena’s back in quick practiced movements. The deep pressure helped Lena stay in the moment. Kara continued whispering reassurances close to her ear and holding her just tight enough not to overwhelm Lena but hard enough for her to feel it. 

After a few minutes Lena pulled back enough to look up at her girlfriend. 

“I really am okay love. Thank you for coming though.”

“Of course Lena. I debated coming as soon as I heard her voice but I knew you were okay. You did so well. I was listening the whole time, ready to be here in a moment.”

“And what would you have done? Landed in front of her and then exposed yourself?”

“She couldn’t tell anyone if she suddenly I don’t know got thrown into space…” Kara mumbled off at the end. Even her trying to be tough marred by the contortion of her face fighting against its’ natural state. 

Lena pulled her down to kiss her softly. 

“I’m sure she couldn’t.” She reached up and pressed the crinkle down, smiling at the blonde. 

“We don’t have to go out. We can go upstairs and just have a night in.”

“No I want to go see our friends. They are only here for a couple days and I don’t want to miss them.”

“They will understand Lena.”

“I do want to go. I’m okay. As long as I have you to come home with I’m okay.”

“Well you have that. Whenever you want to go we can.” 

Lena saw the smile and knew Kara was happy they were going out still. She knew she would without question stay home if Lena needed to but Lena had been looking forward to seeing their friends as well. Kara hadn’t taken away the shots of anxiety completely but she had a hold of them. She was able to focus enough to stop the tingling in her hands that let her know something was about to happen and she disentangled herself from Kara’s arms, kissing her when she began to pout, but keeping one of their hands woven together. 

“I don’t think you should go.”

“Kara,” She could hear the frustration enter her voice even as she was trying to not let it. 

“I’m just worried about what she really wants.”

“And I know to be on the lookout. We already had this conversation Kara. I would rather use this time to try to figure out what she has planned for National City than be blindsided. And you’ll be there the entire time listening for nefarious Lillian plots.” She smiles to herself as she puts the diamonds in her ears. They are more flashy than she normally donned these past couple years but she would rather prevent an argument with Lillian as long as possible so she’s trying to follow her attire guidelines, though the low cut of her dress and the way it moulded to her hips was purely for Kara. 

“Don’t raise your eyebrow at me Lena Luthor! I know what you’re trying to do.” 

“Darling, whatever do you mean?”

Kara’s hands unconsciously reach toward Lena as she bends at her waist and leans forward to slip on the straps of her heels. 

She tries to hide the smirk but can feel it pull at her lips as she glances up through her eyelashes at her girlfriend. Kara’s pupils have blown and her hands are reaching forward. 

“Lena” Kara tries to warn, her arousal apparent to them both. 

“Yes love?” Lena stands back up and thrusts her shoulders back so her chest stands out, straining at the top of her dress. 

“You can’t distract me. It’s not fair.” The whine increasing in volume and her eyes not moving away from Lena’s breasts. 

“My driver is 10 minutes away and I still need to finish my makeup so if you’re going to do anything you need to make it fast.”

With her given consent Lena is pulled hard into Kara as she crashes their lips together. She pulls back before Kara can make her need to change her outfit and with one final lewd kiss she turns toward the mirror. 

Kara comes up behind her wrapping her arms around Lena to rest her hands on her stomach. She can’t help the squirm as she tries to resettle Kara’s hands, her insecurities about her figure heightened after Lillian’s most recent barbs. 

“You’re beautiful Lena. Perfect.” Kara tells her in between kissing the base of her neck and her unclothed shoulders. 

Lena tries to keep a steady hand as she does her eyeliner but watches her face settle into consternation. 

“Don’t let her in. You are a goddess Lena and I can’t wait to show you how much I love your body as soon as this darned night is done.”

Lena’s shoulders lose a little of their tension at Kara’s words and the soft press of her lips on heated skin. She sets her makeup down for a moment to cradle Kara’s head into her. 

“I love you.”

“I love you too. Now if you don’t want me to try my best to convince you not to go you you’d better get going.”

Lena arrives at the gala a half hour before it is set to begin, knowing her presence is expected alongside Lillian to greet the guests and potential donors. The night is uneventfully dreadful as she maneuvers conversations with the same kinds of people that she would cross the street to avoid on any other day. But this is the world she was raised in and she moves flawlessly from one person to the next, talking about her desires and ideas for the future of the company. She totes the party line while weaving in her own beliefs in the most subtle but pointed ways. She leaves the true dregs to Lillian, knowing they would want the type of reassurances she couldn’t force past her lips, the vitriol that Lillian can give as easily as breathing. 

She sees flashes of Kara every so often, at the corners of her eye and only because she is looking for them. She trusts no one else notices her “stealth” overprotective girlfriend hovering around the edges of the party. 

She’s already dreaming of the glass of wine and the foot rub she plans to beg from Kara after they get home when the explosion knocks her to the ground. 

Everything seems to slow down as she takes in random parts of what’s happening. 

The sound of ringing in her ears. 

The pain of the ground cutting into her knees from where she hits.

The silent screams of people panicking and running.

The heat of Kara’s hands as she picks her up and cradles her to her chest, flying away as fast as she safely can. 

The feel of the wind in her face. 

The smell of blood that she realizes is coming from her own head. 

Then blackness. 

She wakes up in a hospital bed and immediately starts to panic. 

“Lena, shhh, you’re okay. You’re safe. We are safe.”

“Kara?” 

“It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

Kara’s hand is gripped in hers but she can’t focus on anything. Her head feels fuzzy from what she assumes are the painkillers coming through her IV. 

“What do you remember?” 

“We were at the gala right? And something happened? Oh Kara is everything okay? What happened?”

“That’s what we would like to know as well Ms. Luthor.” A deep voice enters the room before the body of a man dressed in a black tactical uniform. He’s staring down at her with suspicion but also a thoughtfulness that has Lena pause. 

“Kara where are we?”

“We are at a place called the DEO. Department of extraterrestrial origins.” Lena can hear the anger in her voice and she turns toward her questioningly, her heart rate picking up anticipating danger. 

“She’s not angry at you Lena, or at J’onn. He’s safe, I promise.” 

“Alex?!?” She hears the incredulousness in her voice as the familiar redhead steps out from behind the man apparently named J’onn. 

“What are you doing here?”

“Oh she works here. Surprise. She works for an anti alien organization and didn’t tell me. Her alien sister.” Kara’s voice is sarcastic and short in a way Lena has heard only a handful of times, usually directed at something Kal had done that Kara had taken extreme offense to. Never at Alex. Until now. 

“Kara please.” 

“No I don’t want to hear it Alex. I don’t care if you brought her here to help her. I came to you and only because your boss was worried about Lena’s involvement in an attempt that almost BLEW HER UP did you bring her here or even bring me here!”

“Kara…” Lena whines, worried about how candid she is being in front of this apparent stranger. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get angry.” Kara leans down and places a kiss on Lena’s head, staying there a few extra seconds to breathe and calm herself a little. Lena squeezes her hand again as Kara continues. 

“And you don’t need to worry. J’onn already knows about me. He can read minds.” 

Lena immediately feels sweat pool in her palms as her eyes flash worriedly towards the man. 

“I respect people’s privacy as much as possible Ms. Luthor and try not to do that unless absolutely necessary or with someone’s permission.” 

“Did you read my mind already?” 

“I did, but only enough to ensure you played no part in the events that have transpired today.” 

“What events? What don’t I know? Kara?” She looks away from the man and towards her girlfriend who is not looking at her. She gives a tight jerk of her hand until Kara meets her eyes. She can see the hesitancy and waits for what she knows is more bad news. 

“Lena, a hour after the explosion that happened at the gala there was another one at the prison. Lex escaped. They found the person who detonated them and it was Lillian who commissioned him. We caught her but Lex is still loose.” 

Lena feels herself start to hyperventilate. She sees Lex’s face at his sentencing, glaring at her and ranting about how unsafe the world is. How he would get out. How he hated her for betraying him. Lex was one of the smartest people Lena had ever known and she knew that her statements on the stand would make her a high target now that he was free. 

She felt Kara climb into the bed with her and tried her hardest to let her words keep her grounded. She feels a wash of artificial calmness flow through her body and the last thing she hears is Kara’s worried voice telling her she loves her before she loses consciousness again. 

The next time she wakes up she hears hushed voices but doesn’t reach for full consciousness, content to lay in Kara’s embrace. She snuggles closer but still doesn’t open her eyes. Kara reflexively squeezes her and she knows Kara can tell she’s awake but she doesn’t move.

“I know you couldn’t tell me Alex but I’m still not happy with you.” 

“I was protecting you Kara. I’ve always been trying to protect you.”

“You owe me donuts, and potstickers. And a salad for Lena when she wakes up because she hates TPN and she needs to eat.”

“Okay Kara.”

“And I get to pick the next movie night.”

She feels Kara pull away from her minutely and peeks through her eyelids to see Alex giving her a half hug. 

“I want pizza too Alex.”

Kara surrounds her again as she stretches out her sore muscles. She feels like she’s been asleep for a very long time and wonders why there is no clock in the room. 

“Has he been caught?” She tries to regulate herself, she doesn’t want to be knocked out again like a hysterical child. 

“Kal got him Lena. You’re safe.” 

“Something is still wrong. I can tell. Just tell me Kara, please.” 

It’s Alex who beats her too it and gently tells her that Lillian wants to see her. She’s being held at the police station until Lena woke up. 

Alex leaves soon after, hugging Lena and telling her she’s glad she’s safe. 

“Do you want to go talk to her?” 

“I can’t believe you’re asking me that. I figured you would have a bullet point list of reasons why I can’t go, each with their own well thought out argument…” She trails off as Kara tickles her sides to chastise her. 

“But really Lena. It’s your decision. And I won’t try to make it for you or influence your choice. If you need to do this I will support you.” 

“I don’t think I should Kara. What’s the point?” 

“I’ve spent most of my life wishing to talk to people who are no longer there. She may have never been your mother but she is who raised you. I think this might give you the closure you need to finally be done with her.” 

“I want to show her that I’m not like her. I want her to see that I know she’s wrong. I want her to look at my face as she’s lead away to prison just like Lex.” 

“Do you want me to go with you?” 

“I think I need to do this by myself.” 

“I figured you would say that. I will wait for you at home. Maybe I’ll make you dinner, that would be nice right?” 

“You burning down our apartment would not be nice Kara.” 

She kissed the crinkle from her Kara’s forehead and convinced her to go tell Alex to let her out of here. 

Lena makes her way into the police station with a straight back and her head held high. She doesn’t allow for any of her nerves to show, slowly repeating the mantra in her head from Kara. She was strong, she was good, she was loved, nothing Lillian could say would beat her this time. She was going to look the woman in the eye and allow her to say whatever she wanted to. She was not going to flinch, she was not going to break. She was here to show her that she got the last word, that Lillian was nothing to her, that she was beyond her reach now. 

The sight of the only maternal figure she could remember in a bright orange jumpsuit, chained to a table and shackled at her ankles brought a smile to Lena’s mind. She tucked it away until later when she would share the description with Kara. 

“Mother, you’re looking well. Orange suits you.”  
“Lena, so glad you could take time away from your recovery to grace me with your presence.” 

“I had a concussion. I was just released from the hospital.” Lena said in measured statements. 

“So glad you’re okay.” 

“By no doing of yours, I could have died mother. Though I doubt you would have cared either way, might actually prefer it if I was.” 

“Again with the dramatics.” 

“Just say whatever you need to say. I assume you called this meeting for a reason.” 

“Of course Lena dear. I just wanted to make sure you would be cognizant enough.” 

“I’m fine.” 

“No, you’re weak. You always have been but what can I expect with of the bastard child born by a useless woman and spermed by a man overwhelmed by his feelings of ‘love.’” She chuckles humorlessly at the idea while Lena waits for her to continue. Lillian had never brought up her parentage before and Lena knew every calculated word that came out of her mouth was her attempt to hurt her. 

“And then he brings you into my home, his daughter from that woman, forced along side my perfect son, infecting him from the moment you stepped into our house. A thorn in my side every time I looked at you.” 

The pieces clicked slowly into place for Lena. She knew the words were the truth, easy enough to verify, and that Lillian had held onto them until they could inflict the most pain. 

“You have always been such a disappointment Lena, a blight on the Luthor name. But you are a Luthor after all so I had hoped that raised right you could be of any use to me but you not only associate with these scum but judging by how quickly she rescued you, have created some sort of friendship with one of them.” 

Lena’s heart stops beating, when it starts again it is racing and she is losing the carefully constructed control she has on herself. She tries as hard as she can to not let Lillian know how her words are affecting her and is proud in that moment for growing up in the house she did. Being taught this lesson time and time again until it was second nature to hide everything. 

“Nothing to say? I will find out who she is Lena. No prison can hold me long, and I will keep watching you until I can reveal to the world her stolen identity. Another unwanted invader, I knew he wasn’t alone here. There’s always more of them.”

Lena got to her feet and with nothing more than a “goodbye Lillian, enjoy your cell,” she left the room. She heard Lillian call after her though, couldn’t ignore it no matter how she tried. 

“I’m always watching Lena. You can’t hide from me.” 

The freak out Lena kept expecting to happen never surfaced. She felt robotic as she got back into her car and Marcus drove her home. She went up to her apartment, their apartment, and was greeted by a worried looking Kara but she didn’t break down. She was numb as they had dinner, cuddled on the couch, and went to bed together. Kara kept staring at her, wondering about her reaction, but giving her space to process. Her Kara, so patient, so good. So unaware that everything had just changed. 

The numbness didn’t go away. She continued with her life but from behind a screen that she couldn’t escape, though she didn’t try. The distance allowed her to make plans, the distance allowed everything to fall into place until she knew that there was only one option. Lena knew but she did not mourn the idea. She was a Luthor, and they were used to making difficult decisions. She was a Luthor. 

Kara was going to a conference with Ms. Grant that weekend. Lena knew that she had almost decided against going because of her worry for Lena but it had been almost a month since she had seen her mother at the police station. A month for things to return to normal between them, as much as Lena could right now. Kara accepted her description of what had happened, she told her Lillian had tried to taunt her with mentions of her parents, she told her about what she had said about being a disappointment. She didn’t tell her she was a Luthor, she didn’t tell her Lillian was trying to find out who Kara was. She knew that after tomorrow Kara would be safe from Lillian connecting her to Lena. She knew tomorrow was going to change everything, but she couldn’t worry and give Kara an excuse to stay. 

She knew she was being unfair in waiting until Kara was not close enough to save her. She wasn’t removed enough not to realize that, but she also knew that protecting the people she loved was more important than anything else. 

She had horrible nightmares right after she talked to Lillian. For almost a week straight she had been woken up by Kara’s gentle touch pulling her out of the horror she got stuck in when she was sleeping. She wondered absently if these were so vivid because she couldn’t feel anything real in her waking hours. Kara never asked what her nightmares were about, and she was glad for it. She couldn’t tell Kara how she saw everyone die night after night in her dreams. How she was always the catalyst for their deaths, in a new and horrible way each night. How Kara always died last, she watched her friends and family die only for Lena to deal her the final blow. Kara would know she wasn’t okay if she told her and she needed Kara to believe her one last time. 

It wasn’t like before. There was no desperation in the act. Everything just fell into place. This was the only thing that made sense. She still heard the voices telling her that it was better this way. You’re doing the right thing, they promised. It’s only a matter of time, they whispered, until you hurt Alex, Winn, Kara, everyone. She knew they were right, and she was glad for the reminders. She was also glad that this time was different. She was not overwhelmed by emotions and making this decision in the moment. She remembered looking at herself in the mirror before she swallowed the pills. This time her emotions couldn’t touch her. She was grateful to hold onto this part of herself at the end. To know in her heart that rationally this was the only option. That emotions weren’t forcing her hand. She knew what she was doing. 

Lena didn’t believe in heaven. How could anything be better than having Kara’s arms around her? She didn’t give much thought to hell either. She didn’t prescribe to the thought of this life being the test for the next one. This life was all they had. It was a series of mountains and valleys, ups and downs. You struggled and you fought. You failed again and again but you also succeeded. Love was what mattered. Kara had taught her that. She tried not to think about what her life would have been like if she had never been adopted by the Luthors. If her mother hadn’t have died. She knew that train of thought would lead her to a dark place and right now she didn’t want to go there. Not tonight. She held on instead to the idea that some things were meant to happen. If she had never been taken to Midvale she would have never met Kara. Or maybe she would have. Some things are impossible to resist, like the waves slowly working away at the shore, Kara had worked her way into her life. But it wasn’t the violence and demand for submission the ocean makes upon the land, it was gentle, as was everything Kara did. She was meant to meet Kara, meant to be loved by her and meant to love her in return. It was the realist thing in her life and she would go through every moment of pain and suffering if this was the destiny that had been chosen for her. 

Kara was meant for greatness and she knew the sacrifices that she had made and would continue to. Lena wanted so much to be good, had worked her whole life to be better than those she was surrounded by growing up. This was her choice and she would make it. She would protect Kara in any way she could because Kara had always protected her. From the world, from her sadness, from herself. This was her chance and she could not find it in herself to regret having to make it. She had lived her life. She hoped someday Kara would understand her sacrifice. She hoped one day Kara would forgive her. 

As the blade touched her she didn’t feel the pain. She saw the blood bubble up to the surface she had split open and start to pool over her arms and onto the floor of the tub. She felt herself getting weaker, she felt her mind getting foggy. She held on though, she had one thing left to do. 

She pushed the button to call Kara and prepared to say her goodbye. 

“Hi baby, did you go home from work early? I tried to call the office but they said you weren’t there.” 

“Kara.” 

“You okay? You sound kind of far away, did you just wake up? Are you sick? I could get Alex to come and check on you. Or I could pop home for a bit and do it myself. I know it’s only been a day but I miss you. How about it? Want me to come home for the night after Ms. Grant lets me go?”

“Do you remember all those years ago? You asked me who I would die for?”

“Lena, what’s going on?”

“Do you remember Kara?”

“Yes.”  
“I changed my mind Kara.” 

“Lena you’re scaring me. Please tell me what’s going on.” 

“I wouldn’t die for anyone. Life is so precious. Life is worth so much. You showed me that.” 

“Lena, I’m coming home. Whatever is happening just stop, wait for me.” 

“The real question isn’t who would you die for. That’s too simple. Who would you live for? That’s the one that matters.” 

“Lena.” She thought she heard something in the background but she was having a hard time concentrating. She just wanted to get this out. Then she could rest, she was so tired. 

“Live for me Kara.” 

“No! Lena no! Please.” 

“You changed my life Kara Zor-El. Please don’t regret me. Please live. That’s all I ask for. I love you Kara. I always will.” 

“Lena you promised.”

“I’m sorry.” 

The phone fell from her hand, she didn’t know where it landed. Everything was getting dark now, she was so tired. When she saw Kara’s face this time it wasn’t the one that haunted her nightmares, it was light. Kara was smiling at her like she loved her. Kara was close. Lena closed her eyes to that image, smiled, and was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t hate me! This is not the end I promise. I was going to wait until next Sunday to post the final chapter but couldn’t bring myself to do it. The last chapter is also posted.


	6. Someday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sixth word.

Kara answers the phone with a smile upon seeing Lena, a piece of pizza halfway to her lips, laughing at catching Kara taking her picture, come up on her phone. She missed Lena like it had been weeks instead of the paltry 29 hours since she left National City to accompany Ms. Grant to a conference. 

From the first words out of Lena’s mouth she knows something is horribly wrong. Her body buzzes with adrenaline at the sound of Lena’s voice, so far away she strains even with superhearing to hear her wrap her mouth clumsily around each word. 

She is out the window and pushing herself harder than she ever has before. She hears the crack of the broken sound barrier within a moment of taking flight. 

She makes the return in a fraction of the time it had ever taken her before. She crashes through the window of their apartment desperately searching for the sounds of Lena. She traces her heartbeat, so slow, so wrong, to the bathroom and the door explodes as she pushes it open. 

Blood. There’s so much blood. She can’t afford to pause but the sight is so wrong that it happens. She searches the apartment quickly, stretching her senses to the max, to find the culprit, the person who hurt Lena, but hears nothing. 

She has Lena in her arms and is flying as fast as she can safely carry her to the DEO before the thought consciously crosses her mind. All she can hear is the sound of Lena’s breathing, dragging through her lungs with such an effort, her heart, and with every slowed beat she pushes a little harder. 

She’s yelling as she lands, screaming for someone to help her. Alex appears and they rush Lena to the med bay. 

J’onn threatens Kryptonite when Kara won’t leave. 

“They need to work Kara, you’re in the way.” 

Alex pleads with her to calm down. 

“Please Kar.” 

She let’s them take her away from her but stands outside the doors unmoving, honing everything she can onto being in the room with Lena, listening to the doctors frantically try to do something. 

When Lena’s heart stops the final time Kara’s world loses color. The silence, which she craved so much when she first got to Earth, choked her. The sound of Lena’s heart gone from the world and in it’s absence there was nothing else. She blacks out. 

It had been two years without Lena. One since Kara had come back to National City. 

Loss wasn’t like in the grief books Winn had left outside her apartment, gathering dust along side the flowers and piles and piles of food that went bad before she even knew they were there. 

When she came back to National City she had burned each page, watching them catch fire and eat the black and white print that glared back at her. 

There was no denial, though she knew that’s what her friends and family thought she was stuck in when she disappeared. Lena’s heartbeat was the most dominating sound in her life for as long as she cared to remember, and when it stopped Kara couldn’t deny she was gone. 

Bargaining was also useless. Kara had lost an entire world, and no matter how many times she had broken down and screamed at Rao no one ever came back. Anger though, anger she knew. 

It filled her blood with fire and exploded at anyone who dared try to get near her before she left. 

She fought with Clark. She yelled horrible things at him. Blaming him for not dealing with Lex when he had the chance. For not keeping track of him so he too was blindsided when Lex had broken free. For failing her in all the ways he couldn’t be like her. For making her feel alone when he was the one person who should have inherently understood how she felt. 

He let her hurt him with words and didn’t resist when her fists flew, the need to actually fight someone coursing through her veins. 

J’onn had disabled her with Kryptonite that time.

She woke up in the medical bay. For a moment, that one moment between waking and sleep, she forgot what had happened. She rolled over in search of Lena’s sleeping weight, and when her hand collided with the raised bar on the bed it all came crashing back. 

Alex was asleep in the chair next to her bed. Her hand held out as if she had been trying to offer Kara a modicum of comfort while she recovered. Even in sleep the bags under Alex’s eyes were dark and haunting. She errantly wondered how long she had been here. She didn’t care enough to ask. 

When she tried to leave Alex woke up and the softness in her eyes, the compassion, and the pain almost broke through Kara’s resolve. She pushed down her feelings, disgusted with them and unwilling to acknowledge a single one save anger. Feelings made her weak, and she couldn’t afford to be like that anymore. She needed to embrace the Kryptonian inside her, living as a human was doing nothing to help the world, or her. 

She looked at her sister, the person who had been Kara’s saving grace when she first crashed onto this planet and couldn’t control her powers, thinking she would go mad. A rush of memories tried to crowd their way through. But she couldn’t let them, she had to leave, she had to do something else. She couldn’t be here anymore. 

“Kara Danvers is dead.” 

She pretended she didn’t hear the shuddering sobs rack Alex’s body as she flew away from National City, intent on never returning. 

Alex is what brought her back though, there was no one else who could. Not anymore. She caught up with her in Central America a year after Lena’s death. Kara had been on the move since leaving behind everything she had known, going from place to place around the world. Anywhere that needed help she flew to. She had no plan besides react, keep moving, do something, forget. It was what she repeated to herself every day. 

She was in El Salvador after an earthquake had decimated the country. She pulled people from collapsed buildings, put out fires, rebuilt structures, flew in clean food and water from wherever she could get it from, and helped dig graves for those lost. 

She tried to sleep as little as possible. Sleep left her defenseless, sleep took away the control she worked to maintain every moment of every day. With the sun’s energy she needed little sleep but sometimes it snuck up on her. 

She awoke one morning in El Tunco, sitting on a block of concrete that was tilted at an extreme angle where the ocean had eaten away the foundation. The children there made a game of jumping from one block to another, running as fast as they could, laughing as one rolled down onto the stone laden shore and had to catch up to the others. Kara came here to watch them sometimes. To sit next to the ocean, it’s repetitions comforting even in it’s futility. 

She came into consciousness with a gasp and hovered defensively when she realized she was not alone. No one could hurt her but she didn’t want to be tempted by retaliation if someone tried. 

Alex didn’t look at her. She continued to stare at the waves rolling in and the sunrise beginning to color the sky. 

Kara considered flying away but instead came back down next to her sister. 

“I’ve been looking for you for a long time Kara.” 

Kara didn’t answer but she didn’t flinch away when Alex took her hand. It had been a long time since she had willingly touched another person in a way that was not to help them. She thought about the way her sister’s fingers, scared many times over, gripped onto hers. She could feel them, could crush them, but instead just held them. She had been reacting for so long, been fighting for so long, but as Alex held her hand she lost the fight and finally felt. 

She thought she would dissolve from the pain. Everything came rushing back and she couldn’t breathe. She felt Alex pull her into her arms and grasped her as hard as she could without hurting her. Lena, she finally let herself see Lena.

She saw her that first day in class, so small and so distrusting of anyone, pausing when she noticed Kara sitting at a desk next to the one she always occupied. She saw her in college, beautiful and free, laughing at something James had said when he had visited, looking to catch Kara’s eye to make sure she heard as well. She saw her after Lex had been put in prison, trying too hard to be strong and not let herself feel the loss of the only sibling she had. She saw her in a million small moments that they had shared. She saw her the last time, broken in the bathroom. 

She shook so hard she knew she was going to come apart. It started deep inside her and worked its way out. She didn’t understand how this much pain could exist inside of one person without stopping their heart, just like Lena’s had stopped. 

Alex held her through it all. She didn’t say anything and she didn’t relax her grip on her. She just held her as Kara remembered herself as well. She had been living as someone else, so scared that when she allowed herself to feel the pain, she wouldn’t come back from it. She had lost herself when she lost Lena but Alex always found her. 

“Kara Danvers is my favorite person. She had saved me more times than Supergirl ever has.” 

They caught the first flight home together. 

She came back to National City and took up the mantel that was supposed to make her feel complete. It didn’t. She wondered if anything ever would again.

Now that she had let herself remember Lena, she was everywhere. Every color reminded her of Lena’s eyes. Every song was talking about Lena, or her, or them together. Every interaction she had made her think of Lena. The hardest thing was when she would forget, even for a second. Someone would tell a joke and she would glance around for Lena to see if she thought it was funny. She saved a cat from a tree and started to pull out her phone to text Lena because she had become that cliché superhero that Lena had always warned her against. 

She thought she saw her everywhere. The fall of someone’s hair would make her heart race because it wasn’t the same color but the movement was hers. Lena was everywhere but never really there and when Kara forgot for those precious seconds it was like losing her all over again. 

She didn’t go back inside their apartment, she couldn’t. Alex had told her that no one had changed anything, that it had been kept clean but the DEO had continued to pay rent for when Kara returned. The thought of stepping foot inside the place that they had started to rebuild the home they had found in Boston almost brought Kara to her knees. To sit where Lena had on their couch, to remember the hard fought fight where Kara was reduced to pouting because Lena wanted a new couch and Kara had to convince her that this one was perfectly moulded to them. That the fluff coming out of the cushions wasn’t a sign of needing a replacement but a testament to what had happened on this couch. To remember how she had shown her the new memories that could be made on the same couch when her pout hadn’t worked. Everything in the apartment would trigger a million memories she was not ready for. She slept at Alex’s instead, but even that was hard because they had visited there together. 

She slept as much as possible. Maybe it was her body trying to catch up on all of the missed hours, maybe it was Kara trying to avoid seeing Lena everywhere. Kara knew that not to be true though. She hadn’t corrected Alex’s assumptions of why she laid down and slept 20 hours straight sometimes, even with her body protesting the lack of food and upon waking being forced to consume meals so huge even she didn’t know how she was putting it all away. She slept because in her dreams Lena visited her. 

In her dreams everything was how it had been. Lena spoke to her, she held her, she comforted her, she lived. Kara knew she couldn’t do this forever, she was having a harder time each day she gave herself to do nothing but sleep but for now it was the only time she was at peace. She did love saving the city, being Supergirl, but she loved Lena more. Even if she didn’t exist outside of her mind anymore. 

Kara got better at hiding how broken she was. She returned to her job at Catco, somehow managed to become a reporter instead of staying on as Cat’s assistant, worked at the DEO, and even spent time with her friends. She could tell they were worried, even without the ability to recognize their anxiety instantaneously, but they were trying. They caught her up on what she had missed and life continued to move forward. Only Alex knew she was still in agony most waking moments. Only Alex knew that she still woke up screaming “faster” and broke all over again upon realizing she hadn’t been enough to save Lena. Alex was there for every time she couldn’t breathe, helping her in the same way she talked Lena through panic attacks. Alex had become the center which she orbited around, but she knew there had to be more to life than just surviving. She wasn’t even doing that well. But she kept trying, hoping that tomorrow was even a little bit easier than today had been. 

The news of Lex Luthor’s death happened less than a week after the two year anniversary of Lena being gone. He had been killed by his own hand, his hubris turned out to be his downfall in an escape attempt gone wrong. He had tried to blow up his cell, believing himself to be safe and instead being stuck in the inferno, burned alive by the flames. 

With his death the dynasty had finally fallen. Lillian had died a year before, she was killed in her cell. There was no information released except she had died in her sleep. Conspiracy theories abounded when the news broke, there was never an end to the list of enemies the Luthor’s had made and people could always be reached, even in prison. She had died alone, just as she should. The news had reached Kara when she was in Thailand. The death of a Luthor was news no matter how far she tried to run from it. 

People celebrated the end of a tyrannical era, but no one stopped to remember the young girl who had been more than her last name. No one remembered Lena, and when they did it was with contempt and cruel words that had Kara flying fast away before she did something she would regret. 

Clark had written a beautiful peace to combat the celebrations. He talked of Lena and called for peace from those still foolish enough to follow the Luthor rhetoric. She knew she should appreciate his attempt but who was he to write about her in death, when she had needed it so much more when she was still alive. Kara burned that too. 

There was no memorial for Lex, as there had been none for Lillian. They had both arranged for themselves to be buried at the Luthor family plot in Smallville, where Lionel had been laid to rest so many years ago. She knew that Lena had a place reserved for her there as well. Alex told her that she had instead been buried in Midvale, as she had wished. 

Kara hadn’t gone to the funeral. Alex told her it had been tasteful. People said nice things. People had used her death to come together, united against the bigotry. Kara read between the lines. Tasteful meant sterile. Nice things were people listing virtues that could be applicable to anyone. They had given blanket statements that could in no way encompass the woman lost. It was wrong, everything was wrong. Lena would not have wanted to be buried in the ground, she would have hated the idea of being enclosed in a coffin, of people coming to publicly “mourn” her out of duty. 

Kara didn’t go to Lena’s funeral. She had never been to her grave, until now. The news of Lex’s death was the catalyst that sent Kara careening away from National City, and upon returning to the United States had sent her to Midvale. She knew even before she flew here that something was calling her back home. She couldn’t avoid it anymore. She flew slowly toward the final resting place of the woman she loved. She floated along the wind drafts but eventually made it to the cemetery. She considered getting flowers but always abhorred the idea of decorating places of the dead with plants that would soon join them. 

She landed outside the gate and stared at the delicate arch that had been built to protect and encase this sacred place, this place that was both for the living and the dead. A place where people could come and visit their loved ones who had left this plane of existence and perhaps entered a new one. She had grown up believing that when people died their souls returned to Rao, to be welcomed into his eternal flame, but what happened to those who didn’t believe? She didn’t ever conform to the idea of heaven or hell in her time since coming to Earth. It didn’t seem fair to judge people by their lives when so much was out of our control. The world was not black and white or good and bad but a million different kinds of grey on the spectrum. 

She walked forward, everything in her body resisting as she approached the headstone with Lena’s name on it. She felt like the forces inside of her were battling against each other, something pulling her forward toward this last vestige of Lena but something else pushing her away from the reality she would never be able to deny again. Before she even realized it she was standing in front of Lena’s grave. It was modest and unassuming, just as Lena had been. Carved into marble gravestone was Lena’s name and the years of her life. Below, smaller than the other lettering “i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet).” When Kara’s eyes finished the quote from the poem they used to whisper to each other in bed, trading lines back and forth in the quiet of the night, she couldn’t hold back the sobs that traveled up her body. She fell to the ground and was wracked by grief deeper than she had ever known. Her body shook and she realized, as the pain in her throat made itself known, that she had been screaming. She lay down on top of the grave and pulled the grass up, trying to get closer, trying to find Lena, trying to understand. 

Her hand brushed something stiff and she shot back up, x-raying where her hand had just been, body pulsing with adrenaline that cleared all the thoughts from her mind and readied her for potential danger. She saw instead a piece of cardstock, smaller than a note card, folded in half. She dug down a little more and pulled it out. It wasn’t until she brought it to her face for inspection that she recognized not only that it couldn’t have been there long, it wasn’t ruined from the weather or time, but also that she knew the writing. She dropped the card three times before she steadied her hands long enough to be sure not to rip it as she opened the card. On it was one word, written in the language only herself and one other person knew, and in the hand that she would recognize if she lived a thousand lifetimes. “Someday” it said, and below that a set of coordinates. 

She crashed into the DEO and had as many as 20 guns motioning toward her but she only had eyes for one person, the man who met her glare as if he had been expecting her. 

“Kara, what’s going on? What’s wrong?” Alex had skidded to a stop and holstered her weapon upon realizing it was her sister, her reflexes faster than most in the building but still not able to keep up with how fast Kara was moving toward J’onn. 

“Did she know? Was she a part of this the whole time?” She could feel the blood rushing through her veins and the pain in her eyes as she tried not to shoot lasers at him when he did not answer. Instead he turned and motioned for them to follow him into an office. 

“J’onn, tell me right now or I will tear this place apart until I find answers.” 

“Kara please calm down, you deserve an explanation but so does Alex. She didn’t know, no one did. It was for all of your safety, as well as Le…”

“Don’t you dare say her name, I swear J’onn, you tell me the last numbers of the coordinates right now.”

“What is she talking about? What about Lena?” Alex was swiveling her head back and forth between them, eyes blank with not understanding. 

“Lena is alive.” 

She heard Alex’s heart start racing but couldn’t spare a glance. The chair squeaked as Alex fell into it, she took a step closer to J’onn. 

“I heard her heart stop. I heard her take her last breath. I have listened every single day for her, I would know if she was alive. What are you playing at J’onn?”

“Her heart did stop, there was massive trauma that came from trying to save her and we had to replace her heart. When she was stable I moved her to a secure location and mind wiped everyone that knew she was still alive. Everyone had to believe she was dead, it was the only way for her to be safe from her family.” 

“And then Lex died, and Lillian before him. That’s why you’re telling us now.” Alex was speaking slower than normal, like she was trying to wrap her head around this as well. 

“Tell me where she is. Now.” She was less than a foot away from J’onn but he made no move to defend himself or even stop her from advancing. When the last part of the coordinates left his mouth she was already racing away from the DEO. She heard Alex yelling at J’onn, cursing him out for the pain he had caused them all. She didn’t have time for it but she loved Alex because of it. 

She flew as fast as she could, the flares she had done to her powers in the last couple days threatened to slow her down but she pushed harder. “Faster, faster,” was all she heard inside her mind. She kept the rest blank, she couldn’t let herself think of anything else, couldn’t let herself hope even as she honed in on the isolated farm in Ireland that she was speeding towards. She sees Lena again as they take her away to try to help her and she shoves it away. 

She’s above the farm, she does a quick scan to identify anyone else and hears one heartbeat. As she slows down and lowers herself toward the ground she sees her. She’s reading outside, tucked into the bench overlooking the garden. Her hand is twirling a loose strand of hair around her finger, lip bit in concentration as her eyes move across the page. Kara is flooded with all the times she had come home to find Lena in the same position, absentmindedly twirling the same strand of hair, shorter then than it is now. She’s hit with unexplainable emotion as she realizes what that means, as she commits this new heartbeat to memory, as she listens to Lena humming horribly offkey and not in any particular tune. Lena who died, Lena whose grave she was visiting less than an hour ago. Lena. 

She hears the heartbeat pick up when she lands and then Lena is standing up and smiling. She never thought she would see that smile again, and then Lena is running towards her. Lena is in front of her, and that smile is still on her face though the tears are running down her cheeks. Kara can finally breathe again, not even realizing it had been years since she had been able to. Kara doesn't realize she is crying, without the weight of guilt so heavy on her shoulders she feels buoyant. 

“Lena?” 

And then she’s in her arms, and even if her hair is different, even if her heartbeat isn’t the same one she has been missing for 735 days, 12 hours, and 9 minutes, she pulls Lena against her and is finally home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is. The happy ending as promised. I can’t actually believe this story is done. I hope you enjoyed it. I loved writing it, through the tears, the laughter, the pain, and the joy.  
> I have to thank SpicyCheese. She is the best beta and support I could have asked for. Thank you for encouraging me to write and for being there every step of the way.  
> Thank you to everyone who gave this story a chance. I have put so much into it, my heart and soul and am so proud to have finished.  
> As always feel free to leave comments or contact me on tumblr Nataliawhite92.

**Author's Note:**

> All of my chapters are finished so I plan to post them about once a week. Feel free to contact me on tumblr under the same name as on here.  
> So much thanks has to be given to my beta SpicyCheeser, without her I never would have started this let alone finished it. If you haven’t read her work you should, she’s phenominal.


End file.
